Monday, March 11, 2013

This Just In...

As I've said before, I'm going through a bit of a rough time spiritually. I've been frustrated and challenged so much. I seem to really want to read my Bible and have my life get better,  but when I do have quiet time, I find that I am easily distracted, apathetic, and frustrated. I read, but I feel like I'm just going through a checklist, succumbing to the weights of legality. I know God is real, I know that I should be humbled before His throne in worship when I enter His presence, but I just don't feel anything. Thankfully, salvation does not come from feeling like a Christian, and I am clinging to the promise of grace and mercy in abundance over my life.

Tonight as I struggled through quiet time, I realized one thing that is problematic: I am trying to invest so much in others, but I don't have anyone personally investing in me and walking alongside my journey of life and faith. I don't have anyone keeping me accountable or challenging me to be more and dive deeper into my relationship with God. Yeah, I've had people who have wanted to invest in me before while I've been in college, but they don't stay around long, and when they stop investing, it just builds up my insecurities and distrust.

As I struggled with realizing I needed someone to help nurture me spiritually and feeling panic at the prospect of opening up to yet another person who would leave, I had an illuminated moment in realizing that God has built-in such a person into my life already. That person is someone who will never give up on me and will still love me unconditionally no matter how terrible I may feel.

So with that realization, I called my Mom.

My Mom has shown me across my lifetime her faithfulness and heart for God and others. My entire life has been spent in church, watching my parents serve others and teach the Gospel, giving their time, effort, and resources into the church. As I grew up, I would come to my Mom with questions about the Bible; she always either had the answer or would do research until my abundant questions were satiated. I've never thought if my Mom as a "spiritual mother" before, but it makes sense to me that the woman who has given me so much could also be someone I turn to for spiritual nurturing.

What we have decided to do is to read our Bibles together, 350 miles apart. We are starting in Luke, and every night we will talk or text to discuss the things we've read, questions in the scripture, or things God is teaching us. It may be a little strange at first, but I'm really excited to see what God will show to each of us through this experience. I don't know how long this will last, or how effective it will be, but I'm grateful to share this opportunity with my Mom. I am trusting in the promises of God that He will reveal Himself as we seek, and I am thanking Him tonight that I have been given such a beautiful legacy of grace and faith. Things will improve with time, and God may just have a beautiful connection in store for Mom and I.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Fear Not, You are Loved

The past few weeks have been pretty rough on the spiritual front. I've been struggling with discerning truth from fiction, and have generally just been very cynical and apathetic. When I sing worship songs or try to have quiet study time, I feel overwhelmed by weights of legalities and feelings that I am simply going through a man-made checklist, and I find my thoughts straying with more struggles and questions than I should be having from just a world of thinking. I've been clinging to what I believe and what I know to be true, even though I am not necessarily feeling anything.

Tonight, though... I turned on some Beatles "Rubber Soul". I started writing letters to my church family back home in regards to the mission trip I will be going on this summer. And those two combined to transport me in thought to Oklahoma, where I felt overwhelmed by the love that so many have poured into my life as I grew up there. Just thinking of my adopted church family reminded me of the legacy they have given me of love, support, grace, and faith in Christ. Listening to the Beatles reminded me of nights sitting at my dad's art table, and the grace and kindness that he and my mom raised me under that carries on even now. I may be 350 miles away from this nurturing environment, but the impact is carrying on, especially on nights like these that are surrounded by doubting moments and general worries.

I still have a long way to go before I'm "on the mountaintop" again. I still have a lot of things to work out and to let go of. But I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know that God will continue to carry me faithfully throughout my lifespan.

"Fear not, you are loved; it's a bottomless sea/Fear not of the days that haven't been seen/Lift up your head, all heavy in dream/Open starry eyes wide, a most beautiful scene"