Thursday, May 30, 2013

Top 5 Coolest Things

Those who know me know that I can get really excited about pretty much anything. I often find myself talking about really wonderful experiences followed by the phrase "it was probably one of the top 5 coolest things I've ever seen/done".

The more I use this phrase, the more I wonder, "what ARE the top 5 moments of my life thus far?" As I sort through memories, I realize the challenge in being a person perpetually amazed with life: there are way more than 5 things on my coolest list. Still, some things stand out more than others on the canvas of life. Here are some of those Top 5 Coolest Moments, in no particular order

*Finishing my first marathon in OKC. My second marathon was much more enjoyable and better run, but turning the corner on Broadway, seeing the finish line, and knowing that I was going to finish a race I had never thought I could accomplish or even dare to dream about....what an amazing life moment. Followed by some puke.

*Discovering whale sharks at the Georgia Aquarium with my friend, Kim. These animals are so beautiful and so big that they eclipsed the light when they passed over me in the viewing tunnel. It left me breathless and in awe of a God who creates little me and giant whale sharks.

*Attending a multi-cultural church in the heart of San Diego. There were many different nations represented, and we sang songs during praise time in all of our different languages. When we sang "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham, I'm pretty sure I was not the only member of the SDEX team sobbing tears of joy and wonder.

*Going out into the deep country near my Dad's hometown of Hartshorne, OK, right after my Pawpaw Kyzer died unexpectedly. It was January, the winter sky was vivid, and there were no lights. Dad drove me out there and we sat on the hood of the truck and looked at the stars and cried and talked about my Pawpaw's life. It was so simple and beautiful, and kinda life-saving considering the circumstances.

*Getting to be the one to help James Morris ride a horse for the first time in his life while at MPH summer camp. This was a guy limited by muscular dystrophy who had been told his whole life he couldn't do things. But we had horses at camp, and he decided he would try it. It took several people to get him on the horse, but we made it, and I rode behind him holding on for dear life. (note: pretty much every time I get to help a friend accomplish something "impossible" at camp, I cherish it in my heart forever. I could write a book on all the "top 5 coolest camp moments", but this particular story is a pretty good summation of the heart of camp)

*Seeing Paul McCartney in concert. Ok, so this one happened last night. But I was fangirling/practically crying the whole time. It was so surreal to hear and see a man I have been listening to and appreciating for my entire life. And the concert was beyond all expectations or dreams. Even though the memory is still fresh, I know it will be cemented for a long time to come

*Waking up to a thunderstorm when I was really young and seeing the water pouring all around our living room (back when we had windows on both sides of the room). Before that night, I was scared of storms. I was probably 6 or 7, and I woke up from the rain. But as I ran to my parents' room, I was captivated by the beauty of the rain and lightning. That night changed my attitude about rain. (I realize this sounds like a cheesy memoir, but I promise it was REALLY cool!)

*Driving in the Panhandle and seeing the sky touch the earth and falling in love with an area of the world that few people ever see

*Seeing the Starry Night by Van Gogh in person. Favorite painting. Stood and stared at it for so long and still didn't get enough.

*Being led to move to Kansas. I had planned on living in Purcell for my entire life. Turns out God's plans are a million times better than my own. Everything in life is making a lot of sense now, and I am able to see how perfectly orchestrated this phase of my life has been, and how it paves the way for so many more adventures and experiences that will definitely leave me speechless and breathless and just as in love with life as all these posts have made me feel thus far :)

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Words from a 13-year-old

I turned 13 this past week. Not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. On May 24, 2000, I started following Christ and letting Him take charge of my life. I was 9 years old, and it didn't really dramatically change my life at the time, but as I grew I learned how God loves me enough to want to fine my life to make me look more like Him.

I've been a new creation for 13 years now, but I still fall short on a daily basis from where I should or could be as a follower of Christ. I'm not always good at following. I'm prone to being apathetic and not seeking or loving nearly as much as I should. I get frustrated with people, tired of trying, And lax in spending time listening to what God has for me. I'm really just not the best candidate for representing Jesus in this world.

But somehow, through the beauty of grace, my shortcomings are covered by Jesus and His blood. No matter what I do, I am constantly, continually covered by grace and made perfect in God's sight by the atonement of His son. I am grateful for grace, for the knowledge that I am made whole and perfect and enou in the sight of God, and that faith alone held the key to my redemption.

I'm not sure where the next 13 years of following Christ will lead me, but I know that He will continue to shape me and make me more like Him. With all the changes that life has in store lately, it is good to know that I serve One who is constant, and who will never stop working in and through me.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Ambiguous Goodbyes

Although it is hard to fathom, I am 14 days away from walking down the hill at KU and receiving recognition as an "almost" alumni*. Somehow, I am no longer an 18-year-old, scared to death, misplaced-Oklahoman-alone-in-the-state-of-Kansas girl. I've blinked a few times, and suddenly I am here, 22 years old, knowing who I am and to Whom I belong, and moving to Iowa for 6 months in order to complete my internship that will lead to my board certification as a music therapist. If this time in my life were to be compared with the last time I graduated from a school, it would be easy to believe that fear and sadness are reigning in my life as I prepare for this next step. Truthfully, though, I'm not a basket-case this time around (and let's be real...anyone who knew me in 2009 can attest that I was absolutely NOT OK. Bad times and growing pains in the life of Katie). This time around....I actually can't really explain just how desperately excited I am to be moving to Iowa in September. The internship will allow me to work in PICU, NICU, palliative care, and behavioral health, and to help in a case study on the effects of music therapy on pain management in spinal fusion surgeries (which is BIG since I want to pitch music therapy to the Muscular Dystrophy Association!). It's even more than I ever dreamed I could achieve, and my heart aches--in a good way--anticipating all that I will learn and see, all the ways in which God will use this time of solitude in Iowa to grow me and use me in His planning.

Yet, there are two emotions felt in this season. On one side, we have my absolutely desperate, bursting-with-hope-and-joy, humbled-for-this-opportunity-and-blessed-for-the-journey emotions, looking forward to all that is to come and all that will be experienced. On the other hand comes a twang of sadness and fear from a concept that I have been ruminating on and have since defined as "ambiguous goodbyes".

This thought first came to me last Wednesday as I ended a four-year stint with the organization Natural Ties. This group places college students with individuals from the community affected by severe cognitive delays. Every Wednesday, these various pairs of college student/community individual would attend different events such as bowling, movies, ice cream socials, etc. and share the experience together. For the past 4 years, I have been paired with a sweet lady named Annette. For approximately 104 weeks, I picked Annette up at 6 p.m., and off we went for a 1-2 hour adventure. As I sit here writing, I wish there were some way to convey the things that I shared with this sweet friend, all the things that she shared and said and experienced. Words really can't explain accurately. All I can really explain is that in these years, I have gotten to share in her life and see the world through her child-like ideals. This past Wednesday, we went and ate pasta at the year-end dinner, and tragically, swiftly, our time together was over. When I dropped her off and said goodbye, she had no concept of the fact that this goodbye was forever. To her, it was just another day, just another person walking out the front door. The goodbye was ambiguous, remaining unresolved and questionable with her lack of understanding. When I reached my car, I backed out of the driveway and made it to the stoplight before commencing a really therapeutic and painful sob-fest that lasted throughout my drive back home.

As I thought about my goodbye to Annette, I had the sobering realization that this was only the first of the goodbyes that I will be giving in these next two weeks. True, I am still going to be in the area until September, and in March I will be coming back for good (well, that's the plan for now, anyways). But many goodbyes will be said to loved ones that will lack definition. Tomorrow is my last horn lesson with Dr. Paul; will I stay in touch with him or come back for a visit?  My greatest friends in music therapy are moving all over the country for internship; when we say goodbye, will that be permanent or will our friendships continue to grow across miles and through conference attendance? In September, I will have to say goodbye to my boyfriend, my best friend**, and my best freshman friend; will they stay in touch across those 6 months, or will relationships be strained?  

Herein lies the sadness and fear of ambiguous goodbyes: by definition, I have no idea where those goodbyes will lead. But even as I am typing and starting to feel all mope-y, I already know a truth about these ambiguous goodbyes: if I knew how everything in my life worked out and where things would lead, there would be no room for faith, no room for God to work His miraculous ways in and through and across and around my life. And even as I sit and stress myself out about the things that I cannot see, I realize I can rest in knowing that God can see everything across my lifespan, and He's got it under control. He knows who will stay in my life, and will work out ways in which those relationships will continue to flourish. As for those goodbyes which will be a little more permanent, well, even if those people are not in my life, they are not out of God's sight. He will watch over them and love them and lead them just as much as He will do all the same things for me. So as I keep saying "goodbye" over and over again, I can breathe easily. It will be ok; it always is. Oh for grace to trust Him more....trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.

I will be joyful. I will try to not let my heart hurt too much or take life too seriously.

And I will probably be having a lot more Random. Thoughts. than normal in the timespan between now and May 19th.











*side note: I say "almost" because technically I don't get my diploma until May of 2014 after I have completed my clinical internship. I walk down the hill and "graduate", but I will not be able to receive my diploma yet. Music therapy technicality.
** Bethany Paige Linville. I don't know if you will ever see this. But if you do, you are NOT getting rid of me. If you start ignoring me, I will personally call One Direction and hire them to sing Colors of the Wind at your wedding and consequently every day of your life after the fact. This is not an empty threat.