Although it is hard to fathom, I am 14 days away from walking down the hill at KU and receiving recognition as an "almost" alumni*. Somehow, I am no longer an 18-year-old, scared to death, misplaced-Oklahoman-alone-in-the-state-of-Kansas girl. I've blinked a few times, and suddenly I am here, 22 years old, knowing who I am and to Whom I belong, and moving to Iowa for 6 months in order to complete my internship that will lead to my board certification as a music therapist. If this time in my life were to be compared with the last time I graduated from a school, it would be easy to believe that fear and sadness are reigning in my life as I prepare for this next step. Truthfully, though, I'm not a basket-case this time around (and let's be real...anyone who knew me in 2009 can attest that I was absolutely NOT OK. Bad times and growing pains in the life of Katie). This time around....I actually can't really explain just how desperately excited I am to be moving to Iowa in September. The internship will allow me to work in PICU, NICU, palliative care, and behavioral health, and to help in a case study on the effects of music therapy on pain management in spinal fusion surgeries (which is BIG since I want to pitch music therapy to the Muscular Dystrophy Association!). It's even more than I ever dreamed I could achieve, and my heart aches--in a good way--anticipating all that I will learn and see, all the ways in which God will use this time of solitude in Iowa to grow me and use me in His planning.
Yet, there are two emotions felt in this season. On one side, we have my absolutely desperate, bursting-with-hope-and-joy, humbled-for-this-opportunity-and-blessed-for-the-journey emotions, looking forward to all that is to come and all that will be experienced. On the other hand comes a twang of sadness and fear from a concept that I have been ruminating on and have since defined as "ambiguous goodbyes".
This thought first came to me last Wednesday as I ended a four-year stint with the organization Natural Ties. This group places college students with individuals from the community affected by severe cognitive delays. Every Wednesday, these various pairs of college student/community individual would attend different events such as bowling, movies, ice cream socials, etc. and share the experience together. For the past 4 years, I have been paired with a sweet lady named Annette. For approximately 104 weeks, I picked Annette up at 6 p.m., and off we went for a 1-2 hour adventure. As I sit here writing, I wish there were some way to convey the things that I shared with this sweet friend, all the things that she shared and said and experienced. Words really can't explain accurately. All I can really explain is that in these years, I have gotten to share in her life and see the world through her child-like ideals. This past Wednesday, we went and ate pasta at the year-end dinner, and tragically, swiftly, our time together was over. When I dropped her off and said goodbye, she had no concept of the fact that this goodbye was forever. To her, it was just another day, just another person walking out the front door. The goodbye was ambiguous, remaining unresolved and questionable with her lack of understanding. When I reached my car, I backed out of the driveway and made it to the stoplight before commencing a really therapeutic and painful sob-fest that lasted throughout my drive back home.
As I thought about my goodbye to Annette, I had the sobering realization that this was only the first of the goodbyes that I will be giving in these next two weeks. True, I am still going to be in the area until September, and in March I will be coming back for good (well, that's the plan for now, anyways). But many goodbyes will be said to loved ones that will lack definition. Tomorrow is my last horn lesson with Dr. Paul; will I stay in touch with him or come back for a visit? My greatest friends in music therapy are moving all over the country for internship; when we say goodbye, will that be permanent or will our friendships continue to grow across miles and through conference attendance? In September, I will have to say goodbye to my boyfriend, my best friend**, and my best freshman friend; will they stay in touch across those 6 months, or will relationships be strained?
Herein lies the sadness and fear of ambiguous goodbyes: by definition, I have no idea where those goodbyes will lead. But even as I am typing and starting to feel all mope-y, I already know a truth about these ambiguous goodbyes: if I knew how everything in my life worked out and where things would lead, there would be no room for faith, no room for God to work His miraculous ways in and through and across and around my life. And even as I sit and stress myself out about the things that I cannot see, I realize I can rest in knowing that God can see everything across my lifespan, and He's got it under control. He knows who will stay in my life, and will work out ways in which those relationships will continue to flourish. As for those goodbyes which will be a little more permanent, well, even if those people are not in my life, they are not out of God's sight. He will watch over them and love them and lead them just as much as He will do all the same things for me. So as I keep saying "goodbye" over and over again, I can breathe easily. It will be ok; it always is. Oh for grace to trust Him more....trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.
I will be joyful. I will try to not let my heart hurt too much or take life too seriously.
And I will probably be having a lot more Random. Thoughts. than normal in the timespan between now and May 19th.
*side note: I say "almost" because technically I don't get my diploma until May of 2014 after I have completed my clinical internship. I walk down the hill and "graduate", but I will not be able to receive my diploma yet. Music therapy technicality.
** Bethany Paige Linville. I don't know if you will ever see this. But if you do, you are NOT getting rid of me. If you start ignoring me, I will personally call One Direction and hire them to sing Colors of the Wind at your wedding and consequently every day of your life after the fact. This is not an empty threat.
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