Those who know me know that I can get really excited about pretty much anything. I often find myself talking about really wonderful experiences followed by the phrase "it was probably one of the top 5 coolest things I've ever seen/done".
The more I use this phrase, the more I wonder, "what ARE the top 5 moments of my life thus far?" As I sort through memories, I realize the challenge in being a person perpetually amazed with life: there are way more than 5 things on my coolest list. Still, some things stand out more than others on the canvas of life. Here are some of those Top 5 Coolest Moments, in no particular order
*Finishing my first marathon in OKC. My second marathon was much more enjoyable and better run, but turning the corner on Broadway, seeing the finish line, and knowing that I was going to finish a race I had never thought I could accomplish or even dare to dream about....what an amazing life moment. Followed by some puke.
*Discovering whale sharks at the Georgia Aquarium with my friend, Kim. These animals are so beautiful and so big that they eclipsed the light when they passed over me in the viewing tunnel. It left me breathless and in awe of a God who creates little me and giant whale sharks.
*Attending a multi-cultural church in the heart of San Diego. There were many different nations represented, and we sang songs during praise time in all of our different languages. When we sang "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham, I'm pretty sure I was not the only member of the SDEX team sobbing tears of joy and wonder.
*Going out into the deep country near my Dad's hometown of Hartshorne, OK, right after my Pawpaw Kyzer died unexpectedly. It was January, the winter sky was vivid, and there were no lights. Dad drove me out there and we sat on the hood of the truck and looked at the stars and cried and talked about my Pawpaw's life. It was so simple and beautiful, and kinda life-saving considering the circumstances.
*Getting to be the one to help James Morris ride a horse for the first time in his life while at MPH summer camp. This was a guy limited by muscular dystrophy who had been told his whole life he couldn't do things. But we had horses at camp, and he decided he would try it. It took several people to get him on the horse, but we made it, and I rode behind him holding on for dear life. (note: pretty much every time I get to help a friend accomplish something "impossible" at camp, I cherish it in my heart forever. I could write a book on all the "top 5 coolest camp moments", but this particular story is a pretty good summation of the heart of camp)
*Seeing Paul McCartney in concert. Ok, so this one happened last night. But I was fangirling/practically crying the whole time. It was so surreal to hear and see a man I have been listening to and appreciating for my entire life. And the concert was beyond all expectations or dreams. Even though the memory is still fresh, I know it will be cemented for a long time to come
*Waking up to a thunderstorm when I was really young and seeing the water pouring all around our living room (back when we had windows on both sides of the room). Before that night, I was scared of storms. I was probably 6 or 7, and I woke up from the rain. But as I ran to my parents' room, I was captivated by the beauty of the rain and lightning. That night changed my attitude about rain. (I realize this sounds like a cheesy memoir, but I promise it was REALLY cool!)
*Driving in the Panhandle and seeing the sky touch the earth and falling in love with an area of the world that few people ever see
*Seeing the Starry Night by Van Gogh in person. Favorite painting. Stood and stared at it for so long and still didn't get enough.
*Being led to move to Kansas. I had planned on living in Purcell for my entire life. Turns out God's plans are a million times better than my own. Everything in life is making a lot of sense now, and I am able to see how perfectly orchestrated this phase of my life has been, and how it paves the way for so many more adventures and experiences that will definitely leave me speechless and breathless and just as in love with life as all these posts have made me feel thus far :)
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Words from a 13-year-old
I turned 13 this past week. Not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. On May 24, 2000, I started following Christ and letting Him take charge of my life. I was 9 years old, and it didn't really dramatically change my life at the time, but as I grew I learned how God loves me enough to want to fine my life to make me look more like Him.
I've been a new creation for 13 years now, but I still fall short on a daily basis from where I should or could be as a follower of Christ. I'm not always good at following. I'm prone to being apathetic and not seeking or loving nearly as much as I should. I get frustrated with people, tired of trying, And lax in spending time listening to what God has for me. I'm really just not the best candidate for representing Jesus in this world.
But somehow, through the beauty of grace, my shortcomings are covered by Jesus and His blood. No matter what I do, I am constantly, continually covered by grace and made perfect in God's sight by the atonement of His son. I am grateful for grace, for the knowledge that I am made whole and perfect and enou in the sight of God, and that faith alone held the key to my redemption.
I'm not sure where the next 13 years of following Christ will lead me, but I know that He will continue to shape me and make me more like Him. With all the changes that life has in store lately, it is good to know that I serve One who is constant, and who will never stop working in and through me.
I've been a new creation for 13 years now, but I still fall short on a daily basis from where I should or could be as a follower of Christ. I'm not always good at following. I'm prone to being apathetic and not seeking or loving nearly as much as I should. I get frustrated with people, tired of trying, And lax in spending time listening to what God has for me. I'm really just not the best candidate for representing Jesus in this world.
But somehow, through the beauty of grace, my shortcomings are covered by Jesus and His blood. No matter what I do, I am constantly, continually covered by grace and made perfect in God's sight by the atonement of His son. I am grateful for grace, for the knowledge that I am made whole and perfect and enou in the sight of God, and that faith alone held the key to my redemption.
I'm not sure where the next 13 years of following Christ will lead me, but I know that He will continue to shape me and make me more like Him. With all the changes that life has in store lately, it is good to know that I serve One who is constant, and who will never stop working in and through me.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Ambiguous Goodbyes
Although it is hard to fathom, I am 14 days away from walking down the hill at KU and receiving recognition as an "almost" alumni*. Somehow, I am no longer an 18-year-old, scared to death, misplaced-Oklahoman-alone-in-the-state-of-Kansas girl. I've blinked a few times, and suddenly I am here, 22 years old, knowing who I am and to Whom I belong, and moving to Iowa for 6 months in order to complete my internship that will lead to my board certification as a music therapist. If this time in my life were to be compared with the last time I graduated from a school, it would be easy to believe that fear and sadness are reigning in my life as I prepare for this next step. Truthfully, though, I'm not a basket-case this time around (and let's be real...anyone who knew me in 2009 can attest that I was absolutely NOT OK. Bad times and growing pains in the life of Katie). This time around....I actually can't really explain just how desperately excited I am to be moving to Iowa in September. The internship will allow me to work in PICU, NICU, palliative care, and behavioral health, and to help in a case study on the effects of music therapy on pain management in spinal fusion surgeries (which is BIG since I want to pitch music therapy to the Muscular Dystrophy Association!). It's even more than I ever dreamed I could achieve, and my heart aches--in a good way--anticipating all that I will learn and see, all the ways in which God will use this time of solitude in Iowa to grow me and use me in His planning.
Yet, there are two emotions felt in this season. On one side, we have my absolutely desperate, bursting-with-hope-and-joy, humbled-for-this-opportunity-and-blessed-for-the-journey emotions, looking forward to all that is to come and all that will be experienced. On the other hand comes a twang of sadness and fear from a concept that I have been ruminating on and have since defined as "ambiguous goodbyes".
This thought first came to me last Wednesday as I ended a four-year stint with the organization Natural Ties. This group places college students with individuals from the community affected by severe cognitive delays. Every Wednesday, these various pairs of college student/community individual would attend different events such as bowling, movies, ice cream socials, etc. and share the experience together. For the past 4 years, I have been paired with a sweet lady named Annette. For approximately 104 weeks, I picked Annette up at 6 p.m., and off we went for a 1-2 hour adventure. As I sit here writing, I wish there were some way to convey the things that I shared with this sweet friend, all the things that she shared and said and experienced. Words really can't explain accurately. All I can really explain is that in these years, I have gotten to share in her life and see the world through her child-like ideals. This past Wednesday, we went and ate pasta at the year-end dinner, and tragically, swiftly, our time together was over. When I dropped her off and said goodbye, she had no concept of the fact that this goodbye was forever. To her, it was just another day, just another person walking out the front door. The goodbye was ambiguous, remaining unresolved and questionable with her lack of understanding. When I reached my car, I backed out of the driveway and made it to the stoplight before commencing a really therapeutic and painful sob-fest that lasted throughout my drive back home.
As I thought about my goodbye to Annette, I had the sobering realization that this was only the first of the goodbyes that I will be giving in these next two weeks. True, I am still going to be in the area until September, and in March I will be coming back for good (well, that's the plan for now, anyways). But many goodbyes will be said to loved ones that will lack definition. Tomorrow is my last horn lesson with Dr. Paul; will I stay in touch with him or come back for a visit? My greatest friends in music therapy are moving all over the country for internship; when we say goodbye, will that be permanent or will our friendships continue to grow across miles and through conference attendance? In September, I will have to say goodbye to my boyfriend, my best friend**, and my best freshman friend; will they stay in touch across those 6 months, or will relationships be strained?
Herein lies the sadness and fear of ambiguous goodbyes: by definition, I have no idea where those goodbyes will lead. But even as I am typing and starting to feel all mope-y, I already know a truth about these ambiguous goodbyes: if I knew how everything in my life worked out and where things would lead, there would be no room for faith, no room for God to work His miraculous ways in and through and across and around my life. And even as I sit and stress myself out about the things that I cannot see, I realize I can rest in knowing that God can see everything across my lifespan, and He's got it under control. He knows who will stay in my life, and will work out ways in which those relationships will continue to flourish. As for those goodbyes which will be a little more permanent, well, even if those people are not in my life, they are not out of God's sight. He will watch over them and love them and lead them just as much as He will do all the same things for me. So as I keep saying "goodbye" over and over again, I can breathe easily. It will be ok; it always is. Oh for grace to trust Him more....trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.
I will be joyful. I will try to not let my heart hurt too much or take life too seriously.
And I will probably be having a lot more Random. Thoughts. than normal in the timespan between now and May 19th.
*side note: I say "almost" because technically I don't get my diploma until May of 2014 after I have completed my clinical internship. I walk down the hill and "graduate", but I will not be able to receive my diploma yet. Music therapy technicality.
** Bethany Paige Linville. I don't know if you will ever see this. But if you do, you are NOT getting rid of me. If you start ignoring me, I will personally call One Direction and hire them to sing Colors of the Wind at your wedding and consequently every day of your life after the fact. This is not an empty threat.
Yet, there are two emotions felt in this season. On one side, we have my absolutely desperate, bursting-with-hope-and-joy, humbled-for-this-opportunity-and-blessed-for-the-journey emotions, looking forward to all that is to come and all that will be experienced. On the other hand comes a twang of sadness and fear from a concept that I have been ruminating on and have since defined as "ambiguous goodbyes".
This thought first came to me last Wednesday as I ended a four-year stint with the organization Natural Ties. This group places college students with individuals from the community affected by severe cognitive delays. Every Wednesday, these various pairs of college student/community individual would attend different events such as bowling, movies, ice cream socials, etc. and share the experience together. For the past 4 years, I have been paired with a sweet lady named Annette. For approximately 104 weeks, I picked Annette up at 6 p.m., and off we went for a 1-2 hour adventure. As I sit here writing, I wish there were some way to convey the things that I shared with this sweet friend, all the things that she shared and said and experienced. Words really can't explain accurately. All I can really explain is that in these years, I have gotten to share in her life and see the world through her child-like ideals. This past Wednesday, we went and ate pasta at the year-end dinner, and tragically, swiftly, our time together was over. When I dropped her off and said goodbye, she had no concept of the fact that this goodbye was forever. To her, it was just another day, just another person walking out the front door. The goodbye was ambiguous, remaining unresolved and questionable with her lack of understanding. When I reached my car, I backed out of the driveway and made it to the stoplight before commencing a really therapeutic and painful sob-fest that lasted throughout my drive back home.
As I thought about my goodbye to Annette, I had the sobering realization that this was only the first of the goodbyes that I will be giving in these next two weeks. True, I am still going to be in the area until September, and in March I will be coming back for good (well, that's the plan for now, anyways). But many goodbyes will be said to loved ones that will lack definition. Tomorrow is my last horn lesson with Dr. Paul; will I stay in touch with him or come back for a visit? My greatest friends in music therapy are moving all over the country for internship; when we say goodbye, will that be permanent or will our friendships continue to grow across miles and through conference attendance? In September, I will have to say goodbye to my boyfriend, my best friend**, and my best freshman friend; will they stay in touch across those 6 months, or will relationships be strained?
Herein lies the sadness and fear of ambiguous goodbyes: by definition, I have no idea where those goodbyes will lead. But even as I am typing and starting to feel all mope-y, I already know a truth about these ambiguous goodbyes: if I knew how everything in my life worked out and where things would lead, there would be no room for faith, no room for God to work His miraculous ways in and through and across and around my life. And even as I sit and stress myself out about the things that I cannot see, I realize I can rest in knowing that God can see everything across my lifespan, and He's got it under control. He knows who will stay in my life, and will work out ways in which those relationships will continue to flourish. As for those goodbyes which will be a little more permanent, well, even if those people are not in my life, they are not out of God's sight. He will watch over them and love them and lead them just as much as He will do all the same things for me. So as I keep saying "goodbye" over and over again, I can breathe easily. It will be ok; it always is. Oh for grace to trust Him more....trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.
I will be joyful. I will try to not let my heart hurt too much or take life too seriously.
And I will probably be having a lot more Random. Thoughts. than normal in the timespan between now and May 19th.
*side note: I say "almost" because technically I don't get my diploma until May of 2014 after I have completed my clinical internship. I walk down the hill and "graduate", but I will not be able to receive my diploma yet. Music therapy technicality.
** Bethany Paige Linville. I don't know if you will ever see this. But if you do, you are NOT getting rid of me. If you start ignoring me, I will personally call One Direction and hire them to sing Colors of the Wind at your wedding and consequently every day of your life after the fact. This is not an empty threat.
Monday, March 11, 2013
This Just In...
As I've said before, I'm going through a bit of a rough time spiritually. I've been frustrated and challenged so much. I seem to really want to read my Bible and have my life get better, but when I do have quiet time, I find that I am easily distracted, apathetic, and frustrated. I read, but I feel like I'm just going through a checklist, succumbing to the weights of legality. I know God is real, I know that I should be humbled before His throne in worship when I enter His presence, but I just don't feel anything. Thankfully, salvation does not come from feeling like a Christian, and I am clinging to the promise of grace and mercy in abundance over my life.
Tonight as I struggled through quiet time, I realized one thing that is problematic: I am trying to invest so much in others, but I don't have anyone personally investing in me and walking alongside my journey of life and faith. I don't have anyone keeping me accountable or challenging me to be more and dive deeper into my relationship with God. Yeah, I've had people who have wanted to invest in me before while I've been in college, but they don't stay around long, and when they stop investing, it just builds up my insecurities and distrust.
As I struggled with realizing I needed someone to help nurture me spiritually and feeling panic at the prospect of opening up to yet another person who would leave, I had an illuminated moment in realizing that God has built-in such a person into my life already. That person is someone who will never give up on me and will still love me unconditionally no matter how terrible I may feel.
So with that realization, I called my Mom.
My Mom has shown me across my lifetime her faithfulness and heart for God and others. My entire life has been spent in church, watching my parents serve others and teach the Gospel, giving their time, effort, and resources into the church. As I grew up, I would come to my Mom with questions about the Bible; she always either had the answer or would do research until my abundant questions were satiated. I've never thought if my Mom as a "spiritual mother" before, but it makes sense to me that the woman who has given me so much could also be someone I turn to for spiritual nurturing.
What we have decided to do is to read our Bibles together, 350 miles apart. We are starting in Luke, and every night we will talk or text to discuss the things we've read, questions in the scripture, or things God is teaching us. It may be a little strange at first, but I'm really excited to see what God will show to each of us through this experience. I don't know how long this will last, or how effective it will be, but I'm grateful to share this opportunity with my Mom. I am trusting in the promises of God that He will reveal Himself as we seek, and I am thanking Him tonight that I have been given such a beautiful legacy of grace and faith. Things will improve with time, and God may just have a beautiful connection in store for Mom and I.
Tonight as I struggled through quiet time, I realized one thing that is problematic: I am trying to invest so much in others, but I don't have anyone personally investing in me and walking alongside my journey of life and faith. I don't have anyone keeping me accountable or challenging me to be more and dive deeper into my relationship with God. Yeah, I've had people who have wanted to invest in me before while I've been in college, but they don't stay around long, and when they stop investing, it just builds up my insecurities and distrust.
As I struggled with realizing I needed someone to help nurture me spiritually and feeling panic at the prospect of opening up to yet another person who would leave, I had an illuminated moment in realizing that God has built-in such a person into my life already. That person is someone who will never give up on me and will still love me unconditionally no matter how terrible I may feel.
So with that realization, I called my Mom.
My Mom has shown me across my lifetime her faithfulness and heart for God and others. My entire life has been spent in church, watching my parents serve others and teach the Gospel, giving their time, effort, and resources into the church. As I grew up, I would come to my Mom with questions about the Bible; she always either had the answer or would do research until my abundant questions were satiated. I've never thought if my Mom as a "spiritual mother" before, but it makes sense to me that the woman who has given me so much could also be someone I turn to for spiritual nurturing.
What we have decided to do is to read our Bibles together, 350 miles apart. We are starting in Luke, and every night we will talk or text to discuss the things we've read, questions in the scripture, or things God is teaching us. It may be a little strange at first, but I'm really excited to see what God will show to each of us through this experience. I don't know how long this will last, or how effective it will be, but I'm grateful to share this opportunity with my Mom. I am trusting in the promises of God that He will reveal Himself as we seek, and I am thanking Him tonight that I have been given such a beautiful legacy of grace and faith. Things will improve with time, and God may just have a beautiful connection in store for Mom and I.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Fear Not, You are Loved
The past few weeks have been pretty rough on the spiritual front. I've been struggling with discerning truth from fiction, and have generally just been very cynical and apathetic. When I sing worship songs or try to have quiet study time, I feel overwhelmed by weights of legalities and feelings that I am simply going through a man-made checklist, and I find my thoughts straying with more struggles and questions than I should be having from just a world of thinking. I've been clinging to what I believe and what I know to be true, even though I am not necessarily feeling anything.
Tonight, though... I turned on some Beatles "Rubber Soul". I started writing letters to my church family back home in regards to the mission trip I will be going on this summer. And those two combined to transport me in thought to Oklahoma, where I felt overwhelmed by the love that so many have poured into my life as I grew up there. Just thinking of my adopted church family reminded me of the legacy they have given me of love, support, grace, and faith in Christ. Listening to the Beatles reminded me of nights sitting at my dad's art table, and the grace and kindness that he and my mom raised me under that carries on even now. I may be 350 miles away from this nurturing environment, but the impact is carrying on, especially on nights like these that are surrounded by doubting moments and general worries.
I still have a long way to go before I'm "on the mountaintop" again. I still have a lot of things to work out and to let go of. But I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know that God will continue to carry me faithfully throughout my lifespan.
"Fear not, you are loved; it's a bottomless sea/Fear not of the days that haven't been seen/Lift up your head, all heavy in dream/Open starry eyes wide, a most beautiful scene"
Tonight, though... I turned on some Beatles "Rubber Soul". I started writing letters to my church family back home in regards to the mission trip I will be going on this summer. And those two combined to transport me in thought to Oklahoma, where I felt overwhelmed by the love that so many have poured into my life as I grew up there. Just thinking of my adopted church family reminded me of the legacy they have given me of love, support, grace, and faith in Christ. Listening to the Beatles reminded me of nights sitting at my dad's art table, and the grace and kindness that he and my mom raised me under that carries on even now. I may be 350 miles away from this nurturing environment, but the impact is carrying on, especially on nights like these that are surrounded by doubting moments and general worries.
I still have a long way to go before I'm "on the mountaintop" again. I still have a lot of things to work out and to let go of. But I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know that God will continue to carry me faithfully throughout my lifespan.
"Fear not, you are loved; it's a bottomless sea/Fear not of the days that haven't been seen/Lift up your head, all heavy in dream/Open starry eyes wide, a most beautiful scene"
Thursday, February 28, 2013
I'm Learning
I'm learning. We are all learning. Life IS learning. Every day we wake up, we go about our day, we go to sleep, we repeat. Nothing extraordinary occurs, but over time, everything changes and we continue learning and growing and simply being.
Lately, I've been learning. I will always be learning.
I'm learning....
-I am my own toughest critic. But Christ died so that I can live through Him, and His blood makes me righteous. If God sees my many faults and still grants me righteousness, why should I continue to beat myself up for imperfections? I still have a long way to go in life, but I don't have to go that way on my own.
-People will disappoint, because people are imperfect. On the flip side, people will surprise and bless you when you least expect it, because people are not all bad. We all have to work together.
-The importance of working alongside others. In this season of marathon training, I am essentially training alongside 3 people who have never run the distance they are training for before, whereas I have run the half and full marathon and know what to expect. Training with them is teaching me patience, grace, and that running is something to enjoy, not something that has to be skillful or speedy. Running alongside others places you into vulnerable, beautiful situations that can be shared together.
-"If you are a person who can't say "no", you are probably a slave to others' expectations." ~Lecrae
With that quote, I am learning how to stand up for myself and defend what I know to be true or what I know to be best for me, even if that defense makes others upset. That doesn't mean that I am exactly good at this "standing up" thing yet, or that I will be fighting over everything. Just means that if something is wrong, I am learning how to say "no", and that it's ok to say "no".
-To accept gifts or favors with grace. I don't really like receiving gifts from people. But on occasion, people offer to give you things because they want to bless you. And the best way to bless them in return is to graciously accept what they are offering instead of fighting and trying to give the offering back. (Does that sound selfish? It makes sense in my head.)
-Why people are skeptical of religion. Growing up, I was always so secure at my home church, and I didn't fathom how people could reject God because of interactions they had experienced with religious organizations. Since college began, I have shuffled from church to church, left many campus ministries, and have been rather confused by the abundance of manmade rulings and rituals that have corrupted the experience of Christianity. I am having to re-learn to trust in Jesus alone, and not on the precepts or ideals of man. I am being challenged to simply be still and to listen to and worship God alone, without being weighed down by the chains of legality.
-Often, change will not occur until you suck up your pride and get to work. The trash in the sink isn't yours? Clean it up anyways. With a smile.
-How to delegate. The only way in which people will feel that they belong to a group and have ownership of that group is if they have something to do to help the group thrive.
-Even when I think that things will never be ok....things always end up being ok.
-Sometimes all you need is a change in perspective and someone in your life who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Or to give you a good slap in the face.
Lately, I've been learning. I will always be learning.
I'm learning....
-I am my own toughest critic. But Christ died so that I can live through Him, and His blood makes me righteous. If God sees my many faults and still grants me righteousness, why should I continue to beat myself up for imperfections? I still have a long way to go in life, but I don't have to go that way on my own.
-People will disappoint, because people are imperfect. On the flip side, people will surprise and bless you when you least expect it, because people are not all bad. We all have to work together.
-The importance of working alongside others. In this season of marathon training, I am essentially training alongside 3 people who have never run the distance they are training for before, whereas I have run the half and full marathon and know what to expect. Training with them is teaching me patience, grace, and that running is something to enjoy, not something that has to be skillful or speedy. Running alongside others places you into vulnerable, beautiful situations that can be shared together.
-"If you are a person who can't say "no", you are probably a slave to others' expectations." ~Lecrae
With that quote, I am learning how to stand up for myself and defend what I know to be true or what I know to be best for me, even if that defense makes others upset. That doesn't mean that I am exactly good at this "standing up" thing yet, or that I will be fighting over everything. Just means that if something is wrong, I am learning how to say "no", and that it's ok to say "no".
-To accept gifts or favors with grace. I don't really like receiving gifts from people. But on occasion, people offer to give you things because they want to bless you. And the best way to bless them in return is to graciously accept what they are offering instead of fighting and trying to give the offering back. (Does that sound selfish? It makes sense in my head.)
-Why people are skeptical of religion. Growing up, I was always so secure at my home church, and I didn't fathom how people could reject God because of interactions they had experienced with religious organizations. Since college began, I have shuffled from church to church, left many campus ministries, and have been rather confused by the abundance of manmade rulings and rituals that have corrupted the experience of Christianity. I am having to re-learn to trust in Jesus alone, and not on the precepts or ideals of man. I am being challenged to simply be still and to listen to and worship God alone, without being weighed down by the chains of legality.
-Often, change will not occur until you suck up your pride and get to work. The trash in the sink isn't yours? Clean it up anyways. With a smile.
-How to delegate. The only way in which people will feel that they belong to a group and have ownership of that group is if they have something to do to help the group thrive.
-Even when I think that things will never be ok....things always end up being ok.
-Sometimes all you need is a change in perspective and someone in your life who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Or to give you a good slap in the face.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Bound in the Bundle of the Living
Today has been one of those days in which I just hurt. Not physically, but my heart aches. For the past few days, I've been struggling with those ugly uncertainties that creep up and attack when we least expect them. If you're a girl, you can relate. Maybe it's because I've just returned after a refreshing and life-giving visit home, but I have just felt worn down, unable, unvalued, ungraceful, less-than-beautiful. These moments of insecurity are rare, but when they hit, they hit hard.
I'm reading a book called "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Neiquist, and it's pretty amazing. In the book, she talks about an experience in which she moved into an old house, pretty worn down and in need of many repairs. She was excited about the house, until she visited a friend who lived in a brand new house. When she returned home, she looked at the house she once loved and saw all the damage and disrepair and brokenness that resided there. And she compared that old house to our lives: we strive to be the perfect house, when in reality we look more like the old, broken house. But God looks at us and says "Well, yeah, you are broken, and yeah, there's a lot of things we need to improve. But that will come in time, and you have to trust that I will guide you through those improvements. In the meantime, you still have purpose in sheltering the people within your walls. Stop trying to be like the new house, and fulfill your purpose as the old house, all the while trusting me to finish the work which I began in you."
I was reading in 1 Samuel, and came across a phrase I had never seen before. It was said by Abigail before she married David, and she said that his life would be "bound in the bundle of the living". Seemed like a strange saying, so I read the references to it in hopes of understanding better. According to my reference, this is a graphic Hebrew saying that was often found on Jewish tombstones and referring to life beyond the grave. It referred to the custom of binding valuable possessions to keep them from being broken or damaged. The picture is one of a precious jewel, carefully tied up in a bundle to remain secure and safe. Reading that description was one of those powerful "God-moments" in which I realized.....the Author of all things sees me as a jewel and desires to protect and secure my life, to heal my brokenness. Even though I am less than less than nothing compared to His glory, He still sees me, knows my name, and calls me beautiful and valuable even on days when I feel bland and useless.
I don't know why I so often forget it, but God is LOVE, and that love is given to me in abundance. If my life were a red solo cup, God's love is like a pitcher over the cup, watching it overflow, still not removing the pitcher, but letting it overflow instead until waterfalls are falling off the table and filling up the room. I am undeserving. I am loved. I am abundantly grateful.
And with that knowledge, my lungs fill up again, and I can sing back to my Creator and Sustainer. "Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast/There by His love o'ershaded, sweetly my soul shall rest" or "And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own/and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known". Or maybe "Should we with ink the ocean fill and ever sky a parchment made/were every stalk on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade/to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry/Nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky."
I'm reading a book called "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Neiquist, and it's pretty amazing. In the book, she talks about an experience in which she moved into an old house, pretty worn down and in need of many repairs. She was excited about the house, until she visited a friend who lived in a brand new house. When she returned home, she looked at the house she once loved and saw all the damage and disrepair and brokenness that resided there. And she compared that old house to our lives: we strive to be the perfect house, when in reality we look more like the old, broken house. But God looks at us and says "Well, yeah, you are broken, and yeah, there's a lot of things we need to improve. But that will come in time, and you have to trust that I will guide you through those improvements. In the meantime, you still have purpose in sheltering the people within your walls. Stop trying to be like the new house, and fulfill your purpose as the old house, all the while trusting me to finish the work which I began in you."
I was reading in 1 Samuel, and came across a phrase I had never seen before. It was said by Abigail before she married David, and she said that his life would be "bound in the bundle of the living". Seemed like a strange saying, so I read the references to it in hopes of understanding better. According to my reference, this is a graphic Hebrew saying that was often found on Jewish tombstones and referring to life beyond the grave. It referred to the custom of binding valuable possessions to keep them from being broken or damaged. The picture is one of a precious jewel, carefully tied up in a bundle to remain secure and safe. Reading that description was one of those powerful "God-moments" in which I realized.....the Author of all things sees me as a jewel and desires to protect and secure my life, to heal my brokenness. Even though I am less than less than nothing compared to His glory, He still sees me, knows my name, and calls me beautiful and valuable even on days when I feel bland and useless.
I don't know why I so often forget it, but God is LOVE, and that love is given to me in abundance. If my life were a red solo cup, God's love is like a pitcher over the cup, watching it overflow, still not removing the pitcher, but letting it overflow instead until waterfalls are falling off the table and filling up the room. I am undeserving. I am loved. I am abundantly grateful.
And with that knowledge, my lungs fill up again, and I can sing back to my Creator and Sustainer. "Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast/There by His love o'ershaded, sweetly my soul shall rest" or "And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own/and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known". Or maybe "Should we with ink the ocean fill and ever sky a parchment made/were every stalk on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade/to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry/Nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky."
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