Update, June 21, 2013
Hello again, everybody! Here's yet another update from Russia.
Yesterday was really rough. I was incredibly frustrated with many things: the fact that I feel like I haven't changed in my relationship with God even as I am on this trip, the fact that our schedule has us so busy that I barely have time to even breathe, and mainly, the fact that our team really feels like a group of individuals co-existing in Russia rather than as a unified front. Do I sound cynical? Maybe. But it has definitely been a struggle.
After somehow getting through the day yesterday, I went up on the roof and spent a long time with Jesus. In regards to our relationship, I asked Him to help me to trust that His word is truth, even when I don't feel anything. I asked Him to take away my fears and frustrations and to fill me with His Spirit so that I could fight fear and apathy, looking to Him instead of to myself. I sang the song "As the Deer" at least 20 times and changed the lyrics to prayers and sang out over the view of St. Petersburg. Thankfully, God is faithful, and I felt much better on the spiritual front this morning.
Then on the way to breakfast, I was talking to my team leader and realized one reason why I am so frustrated with the lack of team unity. When I was preparing for this trip, I honestly had no expectations about connecting with any Russian students. My main expectation was that I would find a new family in the form of my American team. Yet here I am in Russia, and at our graduation ceremony tonight, I realized just how many of the students I have connected with and grown to love. At least 5 come to mind as being really close, and multiple others have occupied soft places in my heart. And it's amazing that these Russian students love me, an awkward 22-year-old from Oklansas (OK/KS; its a new word I'm trying out for size) who doesn't speak any Russian, and that I do love them and connect with them in return. Yet while they were loving me, I wasn't noticing because I was so frustrated with the fact that my expectations for the team were not being met. But really? I didn't come to Russia to love more Americans. I came to Russia to love Russians. My viewpoint yesterday was backwards, and hence frustration occurred.
So what's next? Next week will be full of time to do things privately with the students with whom I have most connected. Now that I have remembered how important this is, I am really excited for the opportunity. The times when I feel most loved and used and obedient here in Russia are those when I am with the students God has brought to me. I look forward to the experiences we will share and I hope that I can continue to find ways to uniquely love them with the love of my Father. As for the team? I'm working on forgiving when people don't meet my expectations. All the people on this trip are genuinely amazing people, we just have a lot of differences. It makes the day easier when I can just accept that people are complex, and that I don't have to hold it against them when things go unexpectedly. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I don't know how much team bonding can occur in just the 8 days remaining. My prayer is that we will make the most of our time, and that we will part without a bitter taste and an appreciation for each other.
Well, that's all I got for now. Fun Russia fact of the evening: it's 11 p.m. and the sun looks like it would at 6 p.m. in Oklansas (see what I did there? The word is growing on you!). This whole "being really far north" thing is kinda growing on me, but I look forward to seeing night time again soon!
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