What happens when the song ends, but the ear longs for more to be played? What happens when the game is suddenly over with 3 seconds left till the buzzer? What happens when the storybook ending turns sour?
Since last May, I have been part of a whirlwind story that I could scarcely believe myself. It was one of those that could easily have made it into the movies, a love story that was so unbelievable that it had to be true. After years of praying and waiting for God to bring my future husband and I together, my love story was finally coming together, as a boy with the same standards and same type of heart as my own began to fall in love with God at the center of our story. Everything was perfect. I loved him, all of my mentors approved and loved him, and I fell asleep every night in disbelief that my crazy prayers might actually be coming true.
But then, we stopped talking. It wasn't for lack of trying. My heart began to feel unsteady, wondering why this perfectly crafted story was suddenly silent. My unsteady heart began to break as the guy angrily texted, telling me that I was the problem, that I was the one causing pain. I struggled with my thoughts for a week, praying that if I was to blame, that God would reveal my fault to my heart so that I could right things. No matter how hard I prayed, I felt no guilt. I came to the conclusion that my conscious was clear--and suddenly peace like no other flooded my soul. I didn't need him in my life; God would be my husband in my times of singleness.
Then, tonight. I haven't been hurting, or even thinking about him since the peace covered my aching, battered heart. But tonight, I got a text from him, telling me that God had told him that I was going to marry someone better and that we could only be friends, because I was too good for him. I told him how much he had hurt me, and how he should have never told me he loved me if he didn't mean it. Hearts are very vulnerable, you know, especially when they are loving someone whom they had been unable to get over for the past 9 or so years. He just kept saying that I was going to marry someone perfect and that he still loved me, but only as a friend and never anything else.
The weird thing is, I am ok with him recanting his love for me. It actually calms my weary head and gives me a peace in which I don't have to keep questioning what's going on in his head. The problem is that other issues arise with this latest conversation, issues which I don't have the solutions to at this moment. Questions of doubt, such as:
Can I really trust him again, after he has treated my heart so poorly? Why did I expect this time to be different, when all of my hurts in life can point back to him over the years? Can I ever be "just friends" with him, or do I have to permanently remove him from my life, as my parents are now desiring? Why did he tell me he loved me if he didn't mean it? Is there actually someone better out there for me, or is this God's way of telling me that the life He desires for me is one of purposeful singleness? If God is calling me to singleness, will I be able to spend the rest of my life without the hope of falling in love? Why did this story go so wrong when I had such a peace about it? And most importantly...why is my heart broken, when I was so careful to follow God's plans and let Him carry my heart to sing a sweeter song?
I apologize for the negativity of this post. I will go to sleep tonight and wake up in the morning, fully refreshed and not angry or hurt at all. God is doing some amazing things in my life, and every single day, I look forward to the new things that He will reveal to me in the day. I guess this is just one of those potholes in the road of life, in which God will use my hurt and weariness to create an even more beautiful story from my love. Praise Him for His mercies and His love, even on my most unlovable days.
