Last semester, there was only one thing I knew for certain: I had to get to Oklahoma, and I had to get there as soon as I possibly could. I'm not one to experience homesickness, but the desire I felt in my heart for Purcell, OK, was so strong that even in February I was ready to throw in the towel and run as fast as I could to home and family. Purcell literally became something of dreams; personifying the deep longing in my heart that could never be cured by the scenery of Kansas. There was only one thing about Purcell that I was not anticipating: returning to Sunray Baptist Church, where I had attended since I was 4, and worshipping there 3 times a week for the entire summer. Oh sure, there was a time when I had proudly sponsored the phrase "I LOVE MY CHURCH!" and had looked forward to church time like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. But even then, I only looked forward to church to see all my adopted family members, not so that I could worship my Savior. In fact, most of the time the sermons seemed to go over my head. When I left for college two years ago, I was very open about how ready I was to go to a church that was "more modern, bigger, and less closed-minded".
Immediately after moving to Lawrence, I found a church that fit my new dreams. Everything was fine for the first year and a half of my college career. But this past semester, as I began to feel pangs of homesickness, I began to feel uncomfortable, deep inside, every time I went to church. I know, it sounds stupid. But I would sit in the audience and think of how simple and limited some of the worship songs were in comparison to the beautiful poetry of hymns. I would listen to the sermon and think about the days where I would be sitting in the pink pews of home. I would look at my fellow churchgoers, realize that I knew next to none of them and that they really didn't care to know me, and think about a little tiny church where I was literally surrounded with love and attacked with hugs, even when I wasn't feeling too kindly to the typical insanities associated with my fellow church members. I began feeling as though my worship was superficial, and I was just another person trying to be a typical "American Christian", one who thinks Jesus sounds nice, but doesn't really want to serve Him wholeheartedly ALL the time. (Please, if you are reading this and you are from my church in Lawrence, do not take offense. These are just my observations, and God has some crazy ways of revealing Himself to us when we are being stubborn)
I got through the semester, and as soon as I was able, I packed up all that I needed for 3 months away and sped as fast as I could to my beloved hometown. I have already touched a little on the miracle of home in another blog, and since this is about church, not Purcell, I will skip over the details. The next part of our story begins 3 days after I arrived in Oklahoma, on my first Sunday back at Sunray. I found myself wary of everyone, not really knowing where I fit into this group of people. In addition to this 'outsider-fear', I was dealing with some personal battles and felt a sense of dread thinking about having to be in this church all summer long. I missed the next Sunday due to a concert, but then our story begins again on June 12, the day before VBS. I had been volunteered to help with VBS, being the assistant to Donna Stillwell, who was the teacher for all the groups. Now, Donna has been in my life for about 13 years now, and in all that time, I never really knew what to think. I mean, she's an awesome woman, but I just really didn't know how to take her or how to act around her, for lack of a better explanation. Needless to say, I was wary of VBS and how it would all go. I was wary of being at church. Most of all, I was tired of feeling cold and uncaring, and I just wanted God to swoop down and save the day by melting my stubborn, unfeeling heart.
June 12, night service. Dennis's sermon might have been the best sermon I have heard in my entire life. I wrote 4 pages of notes. It was based on Ephesians 2:-8-10 and was all about being used by God for His purpose and glory. And I don't know how it started, but during the invitation when my Dad went up to begin the song, I just started feeling a pang in my heart, and my eyes began to leak and I just felt as though I could wrap the entire church in a hug. After the service, my Mom noticed my tears and asked me about it. I could barely reply, just saying that I had finally come home. I originally claimed that as the night where I fell back in love with church, but now I see it was more than that. That was the night where God took away my bitterness, apathy, fear, and doubts, and filled me with worship for Him, no matter my circumstances. He gave me freedom from the world and put a new song in my heart. The way this event connected to church? I fear that I was blaming Sunray for all the discontent I would have when having problems worshipping. That night, I felt free, and my worship began to flow naturally and freely from my deepest heart. But even though I was completely free and worshipping with a joyful heart, I was still having a hard time defining what I was feeling in concerns to Sunray.
Enter VBS. Pandamania, where God is WILD about you! I can't even explain if I tried. I truly feel as though I got more out of that week than the kids attending. Everyone was challenged to report "God-sightings", or events/people that made you stop and worship God. At the end of each day, I literally had full pages of God-sightings. Everything around me was a cause for worship, and every experience had me singing in joy. Through the whole week, one of my God-sightings remained consistent, and it was in the form of my VBS leader, Donna. I guess at this point, I should explain Donna a little bit more. When I was 13, our youth minister assigned each member of the youth group to a "prayer partner", AKA an older person in the church who would act as a mentor and would meet weekly with students to pray with them and for them. My two best friends got placed with a nice little elderly couple. I got placed with Donna. It made no sense to me back then--I mean, I was kinda one of the boys. Donna wore hats to church and liked the color pink. I remember during the first few years of our prayer meetings, I would stare off into space and hope that our meeting would hurry up so that I could get out of there. As I got nearer to college, I was less disrespectful, and I actually grew to like Donna!--but that was about it. So the events of VBS blew my mind. With my newly-revived heart, I saw Donna as I never had before. I saw how gracious she was towards all those around her, how hard-working she was even when she was in pain, how kind and non-judgmental she was even when I would mess up our props, how fun-loving she was as we shared stories and jokes, and, most importantly, how deeply and passionately she was in love with Christ and how beautiful her heart truly was. By Wednesday night, I went home and just cried, so grateful that she had loved and prayed over me for 13 years of my life, even though I had only seen how much she meant to me in the course of 3 days. I finally realized why we had been paired up so long ago. I realized that, in Donna, I had a true friend and a wonderful example of how to live a Godly life.
So when I came to VBS on Thursday, I decided to open up and try to explain the things that were on my heart concerning this new found love of Sunray. I told her how, suddenly, the sermons were so perfectly clear, the music so worshippful, the members so genuine in their love for others. It was all beautiful, but I was concerned that I was just getting emotional. She listened to my rambles before telling me her own story of coming to Sunray. Apparently she had visited several times, but found the church to be cold and unwelcoming. After trying every possible church in the area, her husband asked to visit Sunray one more time.
"On that visit...it was just like coming home. Everything had changed, but I think it was more that God had changed me. In His timing, He led me to worship here. And, to put it simply, it was like I found my heart."
And, to put it simply, I can think of no better way to describe my experience other than that "I found my heart". God has blessed me throughout my lifetime by the worshipful, God-fearing atmosphere of Sunray and by the people who worship there, but He had to change my heart so that I could appreciate the blessing and truly see things for what they are. I am grateful. Humbled. Amazed. Surrounded by more love than I could ever contain. Joyous. Giving. And more worshippful than I have been in a long time.
So I don't know where this story took you, or if it even made sense to anyone but me. Just take it as an account from a girl who has found a new way to be human, an old sense of love, a renewed heart of worship, and has found her heart, after losing her way for a long time.
Friday, July 1, 2011
MDA Camp 2011: The Crazy, Cool Catwomen"
Last year, I wrote a blog chronicling my week at Oklahoma's Muscular Dystrophy Association's annual summer camp, and all the blessing that God showered on me during that time. In reality, this week is the highlight of my year, and the blessings just keep multiplying every time I return to that beautiful little cabin at the end of the dirt road. So here's my chronicle of this year's camp! There was no painful drama like last year, no stubborn heart on my end as I hated the organization but loved my campers and had to go beyond what I ever believed I could do just to finish the week. In fact, this week went by like a dream, and went by so quickly that I didn't even have the chance to laugh or cry or feel much until I was driving home after a week away. This year, I was informed well in advance that I would be the cabin leader for C again; I was also informed that, for the first time ever, I wouldn't have my own camper, but rather, I would be supervising all 7 camper/counselor pairs in my cabin. Since this also meant that I got to love and spoil all 7 campers as if they were my own, I spent weeks before June 18th making bedsigns from paper collages and sewing capes so that my girls could fit the MDA Superhero theme of camp. Getting there went smoothly, camp went smoothly, for the most part. It was a beautiful week of watching in awe the beautiful young ladies my "camp babies" have grown to be, and falling in love with the quirky personalities of the other 4 ladies in my cabin. Even though I got minimal sleep and went constantly for a week straight, it was by far the best week of my year with more love all around than most people could even begin to imagine. I love my Cabin C ladies so much it hurts, and I look forward to many more years of memories to come as I get to observe them grow more in grace and beauty :)
And now....my list of memories from the week, as chronicled in the back of my camp scrapbook!
*While transferring Dea* "Katie, I feel like I have a squirrel in my mouth. Is that normal?"
Emily telling me I smelled bad...often.
Singing "Poor Wayfaring Stranger" to Dea
Katelyn and her love of scary stories!
"The Statuatory Rapist"...
"When I was a little girl, my grandma told me that milk comes from white birds!"
Getting dunked by Michelle to help accomplish Alex's goal
Friday gave me his Thunder bracelet in rival friendship, haha
SO much zebra!
Almost dropping Dea...twice...
Threatening to tape mouths into smiles!
Katelyn's warm fuzzies :)
"They can't even read. Why are they giving us books?!"
Friday fought valiantly against the vending machine even though he didn't remember whose drink it was. He lost the fight.
"Illegally" being in Cabin F, and interviewing any guy we could find to judge "List Potentials" ;)
The diving board...it's broken...
"I almost threw my Bible at you!"
Firework and Grenade. 50,000 times.
Paige and I sat on Laci's bed and screamed Hannah Montana, but she wouldn't wake up!
Emily, are you smiling?
Screaming "Rule #9!" At every possible moment.
Painting Transformers for Joshua :)
Literally flying out of bed. Every time.
Asking a Cabin D boy to dance...and he ran away he was dancing so hard!
AWKWARD.
Hua Dat?
Dea laying on my stomach to feel it gurgle
That one night I accidentally spat toothpaste all over the floor...
Katy's gory story...
Night of panic.
Getting to read Dea's poem with her at the talent show; highlight of camp
Having Katelyn almost discover "Happy Fish"
Return of the Taylor Swifts.
The infamous masks falling every few seconds!
"I hope you enjoy arts and crafts." "I hope your camper doesn't talk to you for 2 hours."
Laci was emo...Katelyn wanted to catch poisonous bugs...so we rode a boat together! :D
Jumping cape pic!
Best part of the day? Getting Dea showered.
"Your mom called. She said to bring back her phonebook."
Telling a scary story. About Bigfoot.
Was it worth it?
LOUDEST. ALARM. EVER. X2.
Emily threw her drink. Twice.
Writing backwards for shirt making!
Oh yeah, (insert statement), YEAH!
Serenading the girls when they arrived
Stealing Savannah's zebra!
Paige's encouragement and patience of Job
I stood on Dea's chair to jump in my bed and took out my hip. Karma.
Laci-rotations at the dance
Derek's cabin tally for bathroom use
Making up sign language for "squirrel in the mouth"
Having to tell Katelyn every day that we couldn't have cabin pets
SO many discussions about the Hangover
Swinging Dea like a baby from the Hoyer
Crying over my grown-up camp babies
SO many "broken rules"
Alexis brought her dog!
Dea and her bling!
Getting stuck with "Aqua Style" everytime on Boom-Chicka-Boom
The List included: Lee, Nathan, Garrett, Adam, Jamie, Daniel, Connor, Mike, and Collin. The order changed often.
Katelyn's ability to sound just like a dog
Sitting in the floor talking to my girls after lights out
Sleeping for all of Kung Fu Panda
"Nap Time"
Roberto was Emily's date
Payment with GUMMY BEARS!
SO much duct tape!
Getting to be the bad guy....hehe...
Savannah agreed to attend camp till she graduates if I'm her counselor :)
"Stupid Woodmen Camp, invading our grounds!"
If I Die Young
"It's frustrating. You are having meaningful conversations. I'm talking about trolls!"
Convincing Emily to stuff a jumbo marshmallow in her mouth
Paige told Laci that the thunderstorm was actually a distant drum circle, haha
Bathroom talks with Savannah
Daniel and Jamie fought for the title of "Best Accent"
Changing our song seconds before the talent show...
"You're gonna go home and tell everyone, 'A little black girl taught me how to Dougie...and she can't even walk!'"
Shelby flew off the golf cart that one night!
Musical beds during "Nap time"
Dea would hold my hand and told me she loved me everytime I helped her out :)
Absolutely SMASHING!
Yoga with Olivia, Colleen, and Paige
Animal Races! Everyone wins!
Cabin C got serenaded by people trying to earn their nametags
"I have a great idea for our skit, guys!" *I explain, then unanimously* "That's really dumb, Katie."
Worst Kool-Aid ever.
Maddie and her clams!
I'm Dea's 2nd mom!
Bilbo the Bear, and Alistair's affliction of "Cute Kid Syndrome"
And now....my list of memories from the week, as chronicled in the back of my camp scrapbook!
*While transferring Dea* "Katie, I feel like I have a squirrel in my mouth. Is that normal?"
Emily telling me I smelled bad...often.
Singing "Poor Wayfaring Stranger" to Dea
Katelyn and her love of scary stories!
"The Statuatory Rapist"...
"When I was a little girl, my grandma told me that milk comes from white birds!"
Getting dunked by Michelle to help accomplish Alex's goal
Friday gave me his Thunder bracelet in rival friendship, haha
SO much zebra!
Almost dropping Dea...twice...
Threatening to tape mouths into smiles!
Katelyn's warm fuzzies :)
"They can't even read. Why are they giving us books?!"
Friday fought valiantly against the vending machine even though he didn't remember whose drink it was. He lost the fight.
"Illegally" being in Cabin F, and interviewing any guy we could find to judge "List Potentials" ;)
The diving board...it's broken...
"I almost threw my Bible at you!"
Firework and Grenade. 50,000 times.
Paige and I sat on Laci's bed and screamed Hannah Montana, but she wouldn't wake up!
Emily, are you smiling?
Screaming "Rule #9!" At every possible moment.
Painting Transformers for Joshua :)
Literally flying out of bed. Every time.
Asking a Cabin D boy to dance...and he ran away he was dancing so hard!
AWKWARD.
Hua Dat?
Dea laying on my stomach to feel it gurgle
That one night I accidentally spat toothpaste all over the floor...
Katy's gory story...
Night of panic.
Getting to read Dea's poem with her at the talent show; highlight of camp
Having Katelyn almost discover "Happy Fish"
Return of the Taylor Swifts.
The infamous masks falling every few seconds!
"I hope you enjoy arts and crafts." "I hope your camper doesn't talk to you for 2 hours."
Laci was emo...Katelyn wanted to catch poisonous bugs...so we rode a boat together! :D
Jumping cape pic!
Best part of the day? Getting Dea showered.
"Your mom called. She said to bring back her phonebook."
Telling a scary story. About Bigfoot.
Was it worth it?
LOUDEST. ALARM. EVER. X2.
Emily threw her drink. Twice.
Writing backwards for shirt making!
Oh yeah, (insert statement), YEAH!
Serenading the girls when they arrived
Stealing Savannah's zebra!
Paige's encouragement and patience of Job
I stood on Dea's chair to jump in my bed and took out my hip. Karma.
Laci-rotations at the dance
Derek's cabin tally for bathroom use
Making up sign language for "squirrel in the mouth"
Having to tell Katelyn every day that we couldn't have cabin pets
SO many discussions about the Hangover
Swinging Dea like a baby from the Hoyer
Crying over my grown-up camp babies
SO many "broken rules"
Alexis brought her dog!
Dea and her bling!
Getting stuck with "Aqua Style" everytime on Boom-Chicka-Boom
The List included: Lee, Nathan, Garrett, Adam, Jamie, Daniel, Connor, Mike, and Collin. The order changed often.
Katelyn's ability to sound just like a dog
Sitting in the floor talking to my girls after lights out
Sleeping for all of Kung Fu Panda
"Nap Time"
Roberto was Emily's date
Payment with GUMMY BEARS!
SO much duct tape!
Getting to be the bad guy....hehe...
Savannah agreed to attend camp till she graduates if I'm her counselor :)
"Stupid Woodmen Camp, invading our grounds!"
If I Die Young
"It's frustrating. You are having meaningful conversations. I'm talking about trolls!"
Convincing Emily to stuff a jumbo marshmallow in her mouth
Paige told Laci that the thunderstorm was actually a distant drum circle, haha
Bathroom talks with Savannah
Daniel and Jamie fought for the title of "Best Accent"
Changing our song seconds before the talent show...
"You're gonna go home and tell everyone, 'A little black girl taught me how to Dougie...and she can't even walk!'"
Shelby flew off the golf cart that one night!
Musical beds during "Nap time"
Dea would hold my hand and told me she loved me everytime I helped her out :)
Absolutely SMASHING!
Yoga with Olivia, Colleen, and Paige
Animal Races! Everyone wins!
Cabin C got serenaded by people trying to earn their nametags
"I have a great idea for our skit, guys!" *I explain, then unanimously* "That's really dumb, Katie."
Worst Kool-Aid ever.
Maddie and her clams!
I'm Dea's 2nd mom!
Bilbo the Bear, and Alistair's affliction of "Cute Kid Syndrome"
One Year of Gratitude: June
June 1:
I get to be Cabin C Cabin Leader! :)
June 2:
Having Alex in Purcell!
June 3:
Day with Alex!
June 4:
Wonderful day of music and friends! :)
June 5:
TnT at church: such a blessing!
June 6:
Road trip adventures with heart sisters!
June 7:
Road tripping with my Meemaw, and getting to hear her stories :)
June 8:
Being around so many examples of pure love
June 9:
The Hobby Lobby lady who helped me buy cape materials at a discount :)
June 10:
Good, encouraging session at Westbrook. lots of productivity, and Thor with Dad
June 11:
The healing balm of time spent with Alyssa and Shannon :)
June 12:
Tears of joy at learning once more how to fall in love with Sunray and the Bible
June 13:
Working with Donna for VBS
June 14:
God-sightings in the preschoolers and in the amazing lightning storm!
June 15:
Donna Stillwell and her beautiful, Godly heart of gold, and the chance to truly see her this week; coffee with Shannon and her beautiful gift of loyal friendship; lunch with my Mom and her generous spirit; seeing the wonder on the faces of my preschool class and the chance for God to use me to love them; Donna's generosity in sewing for me; sharing music love with my Dad; running around the lake at daybreak and feeling my heart pound as I watch the day arrive; getting to pray for a dearly loved friend
June 16:
Donna's and Orval's love for the Gospel; getting to explain "forgiveness" to my preschool girls; listening to the voices of people I love and who have impacted me; talking with Megan and the conviction to mentor her; gorgeous sunset and singing praises; Lucille and Daisy, my faithful Westbrook music therapy attendees;
June 17:
Donna's love and patience as she has prayed over me for 10 years; Feeling so free, and realizing that I am beginning to truly see; love and goofiness of my heart sisters; encouragement by MeMe and her welcoming spirit
June 18:
Getting enthusiastic counselors this year; old camp friends and their love; feeling like a homecoming when I arrived at Cabin C; worship on the drive
June 19:
The feeling that comes when I see my "camp babies" arriving; hearing Em and Savannah tell everyone our stories and being willing to paint their hands to decorate my cape; Katy's creativity and tenderness; seeing my counselors openly serving my girls; watching how everything worked out in my fears of transfer problems
June 20:
Conversations with my 3 "camp babies"; getting to know Katy better and better; laughing with Dea during transfers; Paige's kind heart and patience toward Laci; Emily's smile; the chance to paint faces; beautiful simplicity of convos with people throughout camp; Laci's calm in the storm
June 21:
Dea's love for me; unexpected friendship with Tonia; swimming with Katelyn; Daniel Barker's love for his camper made him wear OU gear; my beautiful 3 girls, and their kind hearts; Alexis's sassiness and hidden tenderness; getting Laci for dinner and knowing how to calm her
June 22:
Reading Dea's poem with her for the talent show; Lots of talk with my favorite ladies; Paige's patience and kind heart; Sharing memories of Matt with Nick Carson
June 23:
Talking with Paige; Derek's teamwork; deep life discussions with Em, Dea, and Savannah; Cabin F's hospitality; the chance to be in the lives of my Cabin C girls; laughter shared while dressing Dea
June 24:
Katelyn's warm fuzzy of love for me; getting to meet all the parents and gain their trust; talking with Tyler, for a little while; kindness of my heart sisters to not blame me for sleeping during a movie
June 25:
Beautiful feeling of much-needed sleep
June 26:
The joy on Megan's face when I asked if I could be her mentor; playing piano for worship; driving with my Dad; "finding my heart"
June 27:
Thoughts toward romance and God's great skill in authoring our biographies
June 28:
Surrounded by so many beautiful, loving people who truly desire my best
June 29:
sisterhood and easy conversation with Alyssa; getting to explain the "discovery of my heart"; hearing people who are excited about the Word and willing to share; new perspective in Ruth; my Dad's gentle heart; dogwalking talks with my Mom; conviction to move, and the desire for change
June 30:
A day of summer relaxation; having a best friend with whom I can nerd out; Paul's writing to the early church
I get to be Cabin C Cabin Leader! :)
June 2:
Having Alex in Purcell!
June 3:
Day with Alex!
June 4:
Wonderful day of music and friends! :)
June 5:
TnT at church: such a blessing!
June 6:
Road trip adventures with heart sisters!
June 7:
Road tripping with my Meemaw, and getting to hear her stories :)
June 8:
Being around so many examples of pure love
June 9:
The Hobby Lobby lady who helped me buy cape materials at a discount :)
June 10:
Good, encouraging session at Westbrook. lots of productivity, and Thor with Dad
June 11:
The healing balm of time spent with Alyssa and Shannon :)
June 12:
Tears of joy at learning once more how to fall in love with Sunray and the Bible
June 13:
Working with Donna for VBS
June 14:
God-sightings in the preschoolers and in the amazing lightning storm!
June 15:
Donna Stillwell and her beautiful, Godly heart of gold, and the chance to truly see her this week; coffee with Shannon and her beautiful gift of loyal friendship; lunch with my Mom and her generous spirit; seeing the wonder on the faces of my preschool class and the chance for God to use me to love them; Donna's generosity in sewing for me; sharing music love with my Dad; running around the lake at daybreak and feeling my heart pound as I watch the day arrive; getting to pray for a dearly loved friend
June 16:
Donna's and Orval's love for the Gospel; getting to explain "forgiveness" to my preschool girls; listening to the voices of people I love and who have impacted me; talking with Megan and the conviction to mentor her; gorgeous sunset and singing praises; Lucille and Daisy, my faithful Westbrook music therapy attendees;
June 17:
Donna's love and patience as she has prayed over me for 10 years; Feeling so free, and realizing that I am beginning to truly see; love and goofiness of my heart sisters; encouragement by MeMe and her welcoming spirit
June 18:
Getting enthusiastic counselors this year; old camp friends and their love; feeling like a homecoming when I arrived at Cabin C; worship on the drive
June 19:
The feeling that comes when I see my "camp babies" arriving; hearing Em and Savannah tell everyone our stories and being willing to paint their hands to decorate my cape; Katy's creativity and tenderness; seeing my counselors openly serving my girls; watching how everything worked out in my fears of transfer problems
June 20:
Conversations with my 3 "camp babies"; getting to know Katy better and better; laughing with Dea during transfers; Paige's kind heart and patience toward Laci; Emily's smile; the chance to paint faces; beautiful simplicity of convos with people throughout camp; Laci's calm in the storm
June 21:
Dea's love for me; unexpected friendship with Tonia; swimming with Katelyn; Daniel Barker's love for his camper made him wear OU gear; my beautiful 3 girls, and their kind hearts; Alexis's sassiness and hidden tenderness; getting Laci for dinner and knowing how to calm her
June 22:
Reading Dea's poem with her for the talent show; Lots of talk with my favorite ladies; Paige's patience and kind heart; Sharing memories of Matt with Nick Carson
June 23:
Talking with Paige; Derek's teamwork; deep life discussions with Em, Dea, and Savannah; Cabin F's hospitality; the chance to be in the lives of my Cabin C girls; laughter shared while dressing Dea
June 24:
Katelyn's warm fuzzy of love for me; getting to meet all the parents and gain their trust; talking with Tyler, for a little while; kindness of my heart sisters to not blame me for sleeping during a movie
June 25:
Beautiful feeling of much-needed sleep
June 26:
The joy on Megan's face when I asked if I could be her mentor; playing piano for worship; driving with my Dad; "finding my heart"
June 27:
Thoughts toward romance and God's great skill in authoring our biographies
June 28:
Surrounded by so many beautiful, loving people who truly desire my best
June 29:
sisterhood and easy conversation with Alyssa; getting to explain the "discovery of my heart"; hearing people who are excited about the Word and willing to share; new perspective in Ruth; my Dad's gentle heart; dogwalking talks with my Mom; conviction to move, and the desire for change
June 30:
A day of summer relaxation; having a best friend with whom I can nerd out; Paul's writing to the early church
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