Friday, June 21, 2013

Twisted Perspective, Inaccurate Expectations


Update, June 21, 2013

Hello again, everybody! Here's yet another update from Russia. 

Yesterday was really rough. I was incredibly frustrated with many things: the fact that I feel like I haven't changed in my relationship with God even as I am on this trip, the fact that our schedule has us so busy that I barely have time to even breathe, and mainly, the fact that our team really feels like a group of individuals co-existing in Russia rather than as a unified front. Do I sound cynical? Maybe. But it has definitely been a struggle.

After somehow getting through the day yesterday, I went up on the roof and spent a long time with Jesus. In regards to our relationship, I asked Him to help me to trust that His word is truth, even when I don't feel anything. I asked Him to take away my fears and frustrations and to fill me with His Spirit so that I could fight fear and apathy, looking to Him instead of to myself. I sang the song "As the Deer" at least 20 times and changed the lyrics to prayers and sang out over the view of St. Petersburg. Thankfully, God is faithful, and I felt much better on the spiritual front this morning.

Then on the way to breakfast, I was talking to my team leader and realized one reason why I am so frustrated with the lack of team unity. When I was preparing for this trip, I honestly had no expectations about connecting with any Russian students. My main expectation was that I would find a new family in the form of my American team. Yet here I am in Russia, and at our graduation ceremony tonight, I realized just how many of the students I have connected with and grown to love. At least 5 come to mind as being really close, and multiple others have occupied soft places in my heart. And it's amazing that these Russian students love me, an awkward 22-year-old from Oklansas (OK/KS; its a new word I'm trying out for size) who doesn't speak any Russian, and that I do love them and connect with them in return. Yet while they were loving me, I wasn't noticing because I was so frustrated with the fact that my expectations for the team were not being met. But really? I didn't come to Russia to love more Americans. I came to Russia to love Russians. My viewpoint yesterday was backwards, and hence frustration occurred. 

So what's next? Next week will be full of time to do things privately with the students with whom I have most connected. Now that I have remembered how important this is, I am really excited for the opportunity. The times when I feel most loved and used and obedient here in Russia are those when I am with the students God has brought to me. I look forward to the experiences we will share and I hope that I can continue to find ways to uniquely love them with the love of my Father. As for the team? I'm working on forgiving when people don't meet my expectations. All the people on this trip are genuinely amazing people, we just have a lot of differences. It makes the day easier when I can just accept that people are complex, and that I don't have to hold it against them when things go unexpectedly.  Maybe I'm a cynic, but I don't know how much team bonding can occur in just the 8 days remaining. My prayer is that we will make the most of our time, and that we will part without a bitter taste and an appreciation for each other. 

Well, that's all I got for now. Fun Russia fact of the evening: it's 11 p.m. and the sun looks like it would at 6 p.m. in Oklansas (see what I did there? The word is growing on you!). This whole "being really far north" thing is kinda growing on me, but I look forward to seeing night time again soon! 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Today Has Been a Really Bizarre Day....

This morning started as usual. Music class was listening to songs of sagas, including a weird song by the founder of Jimmy Dean sausages called "Big Bad John". Then someone came in and told us we had to end class immediately, because the government was doing a surprise inspection of the school, and the entire camp that we were a part of was not registered and should not have been there. So around 11 am, we were running around erasing evidence that we existed and packing up to go outside. We took all the students and volunteers to a nearby park, where we then played baseball and ultimate frisbee for almost 4 hours while the inspectors came. To make matters even more bizarre, while we were hiding at the park, a tv station came and shot footage of us playing and doing random things, like singing the national anthems of both countries or teaching a fake class, in order to put a story of us on the local news for 30,000 people to see. So while we hid from the Russian government,  our activity involved telling all about our camp to the public media.

Then this evening, I was longing for guitar time, so I asked to borrow Ben's guitar. I was walking down the hall of our dorm with it in its case, when two Russian men came and took it from me and started playing really loudly it in the hallway. They were talking a lot in Russia, I was talking a lot in English, and nothing was being accomplished. It was really frustrating. But thankfully the guitar returned safely and I hid out to play. One of the guys came by later to try to take it again, but I would not surrender my grip on the instrument!

I've really been struggling with the comparison game while on this trip. I feel like all the things that normally make me unique--such as singing, guitar, running, painting, etc.--are all skills already held and maintained by other people on this trip. I've been feeling inadequate and unable to be me for fear of stealing the spotlight when others are so much more talented than I will ever be. But then I realize that all these feelings are from Satan, trying to rob my joy and make me less effective. I had a personal guitar worship time (away from the Russian men) and just realized....when I take the focus way from God and place the praise on myself, there is no joy or meaning to what I do. The gifts I have been given should not be about me, should nev be about me. All I do should point to God and His glory, not to what I can do to get affirmation. So with these thoughts in mind, I've been trying this past week to not focus on the things I love to do or talk about. It's REALLY hard, but its possible when I ask God to keep me from jealousy or loneliness.

So yeah. That's the main life lesson right now. And on a lighthearted note of one last bizarre thing.....I'm starting to crave the simple porridge plus bread and cheese breakfasts to the point that I want them in every meal. When in Russia, I guess! Thanks for the continued prayers and encouragement. I wake up grateful to be here and fall asleep thanking God for all that He is doing in and through my life :)

Monday, June 17, 2013

Russia Update, June 17th, 2013

Hello, world. Here's for another update from good ole Pushkin, Russia.

So, yeah. Updating is hard. I don't know what to tell ya'll, or what the important details are so far. I figure that the significant details will become apparent as time goes on.

We've been really busy with our English classes! They have been good, and it's been nice to get to know students better each day. I've gotten pretty used to our schedule: 6 am wake up for shower/quiet time, 8:15 am walk to school, 8:45 am breakfast, 10 am classes, 2 pm lunch, followed by excursion/sports/dinner/personal belief discussions. During those times we get to talk to the students on deeper levels of conversation than we would get to in the classroom alone. I've been laughing with my new friends a lot, and every evening when I go back to sleep in my really short bed with feet hanging off, I am grateful for the day and the opportunity to be here in Russia. I'm not feeling panicky anymore, which is AWESOME (thanks for the prayers!). I've actually started craving my daily dose of porridge and cheese bread, but can't say the same for the mystery fish meatballs. Anyways, I digress.

I could tell you of all the things I see and feel and experience, but I just don't have time to process it all and type it out. So I'll keep this short and do a bulleted list of the main things I'm learning/experiencing:

*spiritual warfare is real. I can feel my insecurities growing as I compare myself to others on this trip, knowing that I can never be as good as they are or as beneficial to the team. But then I realize that those are lies, and my adequacy comes from Jesus, not from myself.

*the more I get used to Russia, the better it is. I'm even starting to learn to read! Kinda. And things like not having toilet paper/paper towels or sleeping on a mattress with a board in the middle isn't the worst thing in the world anymore. It's exciting to be in a new culture, exciting to just be alive and take it all in.

*So this is silly, but a lot of skeptical people told me that God had me on this trip to force me to move to Russia as a missionary. But being here is re-affirming the path that God has given me, the path with music therapy. A lot of the skills I have developed in my classes are used here in teaching English, and I am getting this beautiful peace about where I am in life and what God will do in and through me in the years to come.

*As an outgoing introvert, I am getting really exhausted from constantly being around a huge group of people. But I know that if I stop going and doing and being, I will regret it. So I am going to do absolutely everything that I can in these next 13 days I have in this country, trusting God to be my energy and source of renewal.

*I definitely don't see myself moving to another country long term, but if any friends are doing so and want an American friend to visit for a week or two....hey? hey? hit me up. Traveling is fun :)

 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Update June 10


Blogspot, 6/10/2013


Hello again from Russia! A lot has happened since I last wrote. I will try to be as cohesive as possible, but I apologize if I miss some details.

When I wrote my last post, I was a little overwhelmed by all of the new things in Russia. We were doing a lot of preparation work, and I was so tired and focused on myself that I wasn't really looking forward to spending an entire month in Russia. But then, the students arrived....and everything was worth it and perfect and good. It's kinda like camp: you wait and wait and feel scared and unsure, and then the campers arrive, and you realize that the preparation was absolutely worth the experience (yeah, everything in my life reminds me of camp...). 

So anyways. The students arrived, and we did some "get to know you" things. My team was initiated as Russian-Americans by eating Russian bread dipped in salt. It was rather hard, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to rip off a piece in front of all the students! But I did, it was salty, and now I belong! Also that night, the students and their parents brought Russian pancakes, called "Blini" for a potluck dinner. I literally ate a ton of sugar and called it dinner. When in Russia....

After dinner, we had a sing off, Russians vs Americans. We had to sing songs from our culture, and it was so beautiful to hear many people singing Russian folk songs. Our group sang hymns, and we all stayed much later at the school than we had planned. 

The next day (Saturday) we woke up, ate leftover blini, and went back to the school to go on an excursion with the students. We went to Peterhof in St. Petersburg. This is an area of palaces and fountains created by Peter I. This tour occurred with our own personal small groups, which were randomly assigned the previous evening. Being placed with my small group was an absolute blessing. I have 4 main girls (Svieta, Ann, Ann, and....Ann; ages 16) that have really opened up to share their country with me. They told me stories and took me around the gardens. One of the really neat moments involved a statue in the centre of the park, of which a myth is told that if you throw a coin and it lands in the boot of the statue, your wishes come true. Before coming to Russia, I was warned that Russians were cold and took days or weeks to warm up to Americans. But as my 4 girls and I stood around chunking rubles into the air for half an hour, all the while laughing/screaming/hugging when the coins reached their destination, I was blessed to realize the stereotypes were not always right. 

Saturday night after Peterhof, the American team ate pizza that tastes like American pizza (!!!) and then came back to the roof of our dorm to worship together. I went to bed thinking about how much I legitimately love these people, most of whom I only met a week ago. 

Sunday was pretty neat. Our Russian friend, Tanya, met us at the bus stop and helped us ride that and the St. Petersburg subway to her church, a Christian Russian/English fellowship. The worship service was beautiful, but listening to the translation was hard, and I regretfully fell asleep. After church I was rather upset that I had missed out on a great worship experience, but we then went on another adventure. For lunch, we went to the home of Americans, Charles and Ginger Payne, living in St. Petersburg for work. Turns out, they were Christians as well! We ate a ton of spaghetti and cookies, enjoyed using American bathrooms, and ended up having a worship session with everyone in the room singing and praising God together. Definitely one of the most amazing things that could have come from our visit! We stayed for almost 5 hours, and left refreshed and full of joy. 

Today was the first day in which we taught the students. Basically, we are at a school in Pushkin, teaching English-based classes in Music, Film, and Sports to students, ages 13-17. I'm in music, and it was so much fun to listen to music and basically do lyric analysis after the music plays. Thankfully, the girls in my small group are also in music and I trust that our friendships will continue to develop. After lunch and a trip to a local park by the castle (!!!), we played ultimate frisbee with the students. That was a new experience, and I surprisingly loved it! Then we went back and had personal belief discussions with our groups, during which I got to hear from my girls and really get to know them on a deeper level. 

So to summarize....

I love being in Russia. There are definitely challenges, though. I've been waking up in the morning with a sense of panic, wondering why I am here and intensely missing my boyfriend, my bedroom, my friends, wifi, and, surprisingly, Starbucks drinks and strawberries (seriously, no idea why those both sound like the epitome of heaven-on-earth while overseas). But then I talk to Jesus, and He brings me through the feelings of homesickness. A million times every day, I find myself having to fight selfishness and the desire to be the centre of my world. It's a very surprising struggle to face. But through it I am trying to depend more fully on God and to rest in His grace. And even when I start the day struggling, by the end of the day when I see the joy being shared here in the school or I worship with my new friends here... I know that there's a meaning to it all, and I can be satisfied, I can rejoice

Update June 10


Blogspot, 6/10/2013


Hello again from Russia! A lot has happened since I last wrote. I will try to be as cohesive as possible, but I apologize if I miss some details.

When I wrote my last post, I was a little overwhelmed by all of the new things in Russia. We were doing a lot of preparation work, and I was so tired and focused on myself that I wasn't really looking forward to spending an entire month in Russia. But then, the students arrived....and everything was worth it and perfect and good. It's kinda like camp: you wait and wait and feel scared and unsure, and then the campers arrive, and you realize that the preparation was absolutely worth the experience (yeah, everything in my life reminds me of camp...). 

So anyways. The students arrived, and we did some "get to know you" things. My team was initiated as Russian-Americans by eating Russian bread dipped in salt. It was rather hard, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to rip off a piece in front of all the students! But I did, it was salty, and now I belong! Also that night, the students and their parents brought Russian pancakes, called "Blini" for a potluck dinner. I literally ate a ton of sugar and called it dinner. When in Russia....

After dinner, we had a sing off, Russians vs Americans. We had to sing songs from our culture, and it was so beautiful to hear many people singing Russian folk songs. Our group sang hymns, and we all stayed much later at the school than we had planned. 

The next day (Saturday) we woke up, ate leftover blini, and went back to the school to go on an excursion with the students. We went to Peterhof in St. Petersburg. This is an area of palaces and fountains created by Peter I. This tour occurred with our own personal small groups, which were randomly assigned the previous evening. Being placed with my small group was an absolute blessing. I have 4 main girls (Svieta, Ann, Ann, and....Ann; ages 16) that have really opened up to share their country with me. They told me stories and took me around the gardens. One of the really neat moments involved a statue in the centre of the park, of which a myth is told that if you throw a coin and it lands in the boot of the statue, your wishes come true. Before coming to Russia, I was warned that Russians were cold and took days or weeks to warm up to Americans. But as my 4 girls and I stood around chunking rubles into the air for half an hour, all the while laughing/screaming/hugging when the coins reached their destination, I was blessed to realize the stereotypes were not always right. 

Saturday night after Peterhof, the American team ate pizza that tastes like American pizza (!!!) and then came back to the roof of our dorm to worship together. I went to bed thinking about how much I legitimately love these people, most of whom I only met a week ago. 

Sunday was pretty neat. Our Russian friend, Tanya, met us at the bus stop and helped us ride that and the St. Petersburg subway to her church, a Christian Russian/English fellowship. The worship service was beautiful, but listening to the translation was hard, and I regretfully fell asleep. After church I was rather upset that I had missed out on a great worship experience, but we then went on another adventure. For lunch, we went to the home of Americans, Charles and Ginger Payne, living in St. Petersburg for work. Turns out, they were Christians as well! We ate a ton of spaghetti and cookies, enjoyed using American bathrooms, and ended up having a worship session with everyone in the room singing and praising God together. Definitely one of the most amazing things that could have come from our visit! We stayed for almost 5 hours, and left refreshed and full of joy. 

Today was the first day in which we taught the students. Basically, we are at a school in Pushkin, teaching English-based classes in Music, Film, and Sports to students, ages 13-17. I'm in music, and it was so much fun to listen to music and basically do lyric analysis after the music plays. Thankfully, the girls in my small group are also in music and I trust that our friendships will continue to develop. After lunch and a trip to a local park by the castle (!!!), we played ultimate frisbee with the students. That was a new experience, and I surprisingly loved it! Then we went back and had personal belief discussions with our groups, during which I got to hear from my girls and really get to know them on a deeper level. 

So to summarize....

I love being in Russia. There are definitely challenges, though. I've been waking up in the morning with a sense of panic, wondering why I am here and intensely missing my boyfriend, my bedroom, my friends, wifi, and, surprisingly, Starbucks drinks and strawberries (seriously, no idea why those both sound like the epitome of heaven-on-earth while overseas). But then I talk to Jesus, and He brings me through the feelings of homesickness. A million times every day, I find myself having to fight selfishness and the desire to be the centre of my world. It's a very surprising struggle to face. But through it I am trying to depend more fully on God and to rest in His grace. And even when I start the day struggling, by the end of the day when I see the joy being shared here in the school or I worship with my new friends here... I know that there's a meaning to it all, and I can be satisfied, I can rejoice

Friday, June 7, 2013

White Nights and Illiteracy

So I've been in Russia for about 2 full days now. It's still an absolutely breathtaking experience, but I'm definitely having to get accustomed to new things.

For instance....
*The sun doesn't actually really set in Russia. I went to bed last night at 10 p.m. and it was as bright as it was in the afternoon. It gets kinda dark around 3 a.m., but it still looks like twilight or sunrise.
*Toilets are flushed by a knob on the top of the toilet. Toilets also kinda spray everywhere if you don't shut the lid.
*For the first time in my life....I can't read anything.
*Porridge and soup. All day, e'rryday.
*There's a placed called "Megaburger" which is like Russian McDonalds. Except it's nothing at all like McDonalds. And there's a food called a "magic box" which is essentially a chicken wrap with multiple giant globs of mayonnaise. Thankfully I did not try this firsthand.
*A lot of Russian names sound similar or have similar roots. I met about 15 girls today with names all derived from some form of "Anastasia"
*Speaking of Anastasia, the palace where she died is across the street from where I am right now. No big deal.
*So there is a lot to get used to. But there's a lot of really neat things, too. So many beautiful things to see and so many kind people to meet.

Up next: Blinki party tonight with our ELP (English Language Program) students, trip to Peterhof with the same tomorrow, and classes beginning on Monday!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

This is My Father's World

So most of you already know that I get excited about pretty much everything. But today was my first international flight and it was SO COOL! I know, I know. Spending 8 hours on a plane doesn't sound fun. And honestly not all of it is good (ie, I can tell how bad I smell at this point, I'm a little giddy from sleep loss, and oh! Another flight is about to happen in half an hour!). But in the last day-ish, I: flew on a 2-story plane for the first time, saw the sun rise over the sphere of the earth at what I perceived to be 1 am, practically had a plane sleepover with my friend, Kristy, ate airplane food (fun story, semi-related: I decided to go to the bathroom at the same time the drink carts decided to go down the aisles preparing for dinner, and I was asked to stay in the kitchen for about 20-minutes. The flight attendants were super nice and talked to me and gave me free things :), left American soil, and landed in Frankfurt on a different continent where, after a few hours of being in the airport, things really are not as foreign as I would think they would be.

I'm ready to land in Russia around midnight local time, ready to brush my teeth, remove my contacts, and finally sleep for a little bit. But just being here, and seeing the lands of Ireland, England, and Germany from the sky.....so grateful for the journey and the chance to see things I never thought I would see. As we flew, I mainly sat looking out the window and singing "How Great Thou Art" and "This is My Father's World", so blessed to be His and to be following His leading for this next month abroad.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends: Russia Venture Days One and Two

I'm pretty tired tonight, but thought I would give a quick update on my Russia journey before heading to get some much anticipated sleep.

I flew out from KCI yesterday at 10:17 a.m. (Graciously brought to the airport by my awesome boyfriend, Michael :) headed to Phoenix. I had a layover in Denver, then experienced an amazingly drastic temperature difference when I stepped off at my final destination in sunny Arizona. I've nev been to Arizona before, and in true Katie fashion, was pretty wowed by the desert/cacti scene.

Anyways, we met the whole team yesterday. Our initial discussion was to share one word on our feelings towards the trip. The word I chose was "apprehensive", largely in part to the fact that, while outgoing, I am more of an introvert, and being in a room with 10 new people was a bit daunting. Within 10 minutes of sharing my fears, though, I wished I could change my word. Every person on this trip seems so genuine and joyful, and I am confident that team unity will continue to blossom. I felt instantly comfortable with my circumstances, and was so glad to be accepted for everything I say and do. At several times in my life, I have seen people and instinctively began to mentally sing "I can tell that we a gonna be friends". This trip is no different. I am excited to see how these friendships that I sense will develop and what memories I will be treasuring in my heart years from now from these beginning days of our friendship.

And on another note of belonging.....today we talked about how Satan uses insecurities to attack us and make us less useful for God. I've never thought of myself as insecure, but then we talked about how everyone in a group, when asked, will feel that they are the ones on the outside looking in, I realized that summation can be said about many situations in my life. I have a tendency to feel like a black sheep, an awkward person, a girl who doesn't think like others think or doesn't know what to say during interactions. But, in this short time I've spent with the team, I truly believe that they are all seeking the best of us all and wanting to follow God. I am not left out, I am not insignificant, I belong here. I don't know yet what God has in store for me, but I rest in knowing that He will never truly finish completing a good work in me until I finally see Him face to face.

Ok, I'm so tired I'm seeing double. Please forgive me if that seemed like a lot of rambles,

Up next: leaving for Russia on Tuesday afternoon!