Homeless

Homeless

For the past 4.5 years, I've struggled with the concept of "home". I spent 18 beautiful years of my life in a little white house in Purcell, Oklahoma; going to Oklahoma is definitely home. But then I spent 4 years in Lawrence, Kansas, starting my own life and growing up with wonderful people surrounding me; in a way, Kansas is also home. Then there's that whole concept of "home is whenever I'm with you". Sometimes home is whenever I'm with Michael, or Alyssa, or Bethany, or Gretchen. Every summer when I hit that old dirt road and arrive at Rainbow and see the cabins in the quad, I also feel that sense of "home-ness", knowing that I belong at camp and that great quantities of camp aspects have my heart. 

All of these feelings of home are nurturing and life-giving. When I am in Purcell, I feel free to be me and loved unconditionally, even as I am fully known by all townspeople. When I am in Kansas, I feel free to be independent, free to grow and make mistakes and still be loved for my quirky self. When I am with my favorite non-family people, I feel joyful and part of relationships that will last no matter what, free to kick off my shoes and share a glass of tea (or watch tv shows on conspiracies without being judged). When I am at camp, I feel connected to God and others and grasp that greater sense of community and purpose that stirs my heart to want more.

Here in Iowa, I feel none of these things. Yes, I have a physical apartment with my name on the lease, but on nights like these where the plumbing in said apartment has somehow completely broken over night, I begin to live out of my car, driving around from place to place in order to occupy my time until I can finally fall asleep somewhere. This feeling of homelessness sinks into my heart, making me feel overwhelmingly lonely and helpless to take care of myself. 

But then I think of how millions of people around the globe are actually really truly homeless, and how awry plumbing would actually be a blessing, because it would mean that they actually had a shelter in which to sleep (even if there were no place to pee). True, I don't really have a place of my own at which I can stay tonight...but I have been blessed with a wonderful fellow intern who let me shower at her place this morning, made me a warm, home-cooked breakfast while I was using her facilities, and is letting me camp out on her couch later tonight. I have a supervisor who is letting me move into her empty two-story house to keep it occupied for the remainder of my internship (she even has a working heater and a fully-functioning oven!). Even better, I still have a tangible home in Oklahoma, a tangible home in Kansas, a spiritual home in my friends, and an annual weekly home at camp, all of which I can pretty much visit at anytime.

And when I put it into perspective, I see how incredibly blessed I am, and how selfish I can be to be throwing a pity party because I don't have plumbing. In this season of my life, I think God is showing me how He created me to need other people and to stop leaning on my own understanding. They say the average human only has 2 people whom they can truly trust; I can think of at least 10 such people in my own life. I am loved beyond my comprehension. I have people who truly care about me, and, on those occasions where I do find myself homeless, are willing to take care of me and to instill a small sense of home in my heart in whatever way they can. It's hard for me to tell people I need help, or that I need a place to sleep, but what I have found is that when I am vulnerable about my needs, it teaches me how to be strong AND dependent, and gives me a chance to receive blessings from the goodness of others. Since it's November, I keep seeing Facebook friends writing a post every day about what they are thankful for. I have nothing against that (and actually kept a thankfulness journal log for an entire year....if you are REALLY bored you can delve into blogs past to read that insanely long list....) but I think that we so often only think of what makes us grateful when it is the cool thing to do. As I am continuing to learn lessons about how great is God's love for me and how much He provides for me and wants me to accept love and care from others, I find my soul overflowing with thanks. I will continue learning to reach out to others and to admit my needs. In turn, I hope to also be able to give back to others even as I have received. I pray that a spirit of gratitude continues to be formed in me, and continues growing across my lifespan. Hopefully, this time of homelessness will not last long. Hopefully, the lessons that God is continuing to teach me in this season of life will continue for years to come, even after I once again have a place where I can pee. 

And so, tonight I will be somewhat homeless, and I will be okay. 

But....God.....

But.....God.....

(A Heavenly Conversation as I Imagined It Might Occur While Driving)

Katie: God.....I don't really want to go back to Iowa.

God: Why is that?

Katie: Well, I guess it's just that being in Iowa kinda hurts.

God: Just 7 months ago, weren't you begging Me for the door to that exact internship to be opened?

Katie: Well, yes.....but Iowa was never in my original plan!

God:  I know, daughter. You were kicking against the goads when the seed of the idea of Iowa was planted in your mind. Eventually you started asking that My will be done, all the while hoping that My will correlated with your comfort and staying where you were. But as you prayed, I started replacing your dreams with My own plans for you. You may have wanted to remain comfortable, but My plan was for you to move and grow in ways you still can't fully see. Hasn't My faithfulness led you to places beyond your wildest imagination before? Haven't I remained faithful even now?

Katie: Well, yes. I guess You're right. Sorry for being so stubborn.

God: My grace is sufficient to cover you.

Katie: But....God...I mean, I get all that, but being in Iowa still hurts.

God: How so?

Katie: These past 3 weeks have been really emotionally tough. My apartment is in constant need of maintenance requests. I've had friends hurting and making poor life choices. The pastor of my Kansas church ran away. I had a patient die in my session. I'm working with babies in the NICU that, although they are receiving services now, probably won't be cared for when they leave the hospital. I feel like there are so many things wrong, and I'm too small to fix anything.

God: Daughter, it's not your job to fix anyone or anything. That's My job to bring redemption and to fix broken hearts. All you can do is show compassion to those you encounter, and to place your trust in Me.

Katie: But God.....I'm not always the most loving or gracious person to others.

God: My grace is sufficient to cover you. Let yourself allow Me to love others through you, because I loved you first.

Katie: I guess that makes sense. But God....another reason that Iowa hurts......I'm so alone.

God: Daughter, you have so many people who love and care for you. And on top of that, I am the Creator of the universe. Even though you are poor and weak, I think of you. I have engraved you on the palms of My hands; you are Mine. And I will never leave you nor forsake you. You may be lonely, but you are never alone.

Katie: Well, that is encouraging. But God....one more thing. I mean....I am lonely. And I mainly miss Michael, and my friends from Kansas. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to leave them so often. Why did You send me to a place where I am so lonely?

God: I have called you in this season of life to solitude and learning more and more how to depend on Me. Basically this is a time where I am growing you to be more like Me, where I have pulled you out of your comfort zone for a purpose.

Katie: You know....I have been wanting more of You lately. And I have had a few times where I've woken up in the middle of the night with praise songs on my heart.

God: You wouldn't be calling to Me if I hadn't first called out to you. I love you, and I will do whatever it takes to shape you to be more like Me. Now, daughter....are you going to continue trying to lean on your own understanding? Or are you going to place your trust in Me and let Me guide and provide in this growing season of your life?

Oh Son of David, I want to see.

In His Grip

If I look back on the past year, I can see how there have definitely been times where I’ve been in deeper struggles with my faith and have had increased doubts and worries. Yet there have also been times where I have been so much more attuned to God, more in love with Him, than I have been in the last few months. I recognize that every relationship has highs and lows, and I can’t always be on the “I’m a Christian and life is awesome!” mountaintop. Still, I have been wondering what more I can do to regain the mountain and the view of clarity that comes from being closely in sync with the Creator of the universe. I have tried to stay a perfect Christian, but sometimes I find that I go through the entire day without really thinking, much less acknowledging God. The past few weeks I have had extreme difficulty in finding the focus to read my Bible and pray, feeling that, even as I have been reading about the grace of God and the things that His children should be exhibiting in their daily lives, I was failing miserably on all counts. I could read all that I was supposed to read, but within 10 seconds I would fail, sin, and feel bad. Things seemed like they were just a futile circle of never learning how to be good enough. I recognize that this sounds like I’ve been super depressed since I moved to Iowa. I can attest that I have not been depressed. There are levels of sadness that accompany being alone so much and having new things all around, but I’ve been doing ok. This faith struggle was more of apathy than anything else, and it’s hard to escape apathy when you are processing things all alone at the end of a long day of work.

Last Thursday, I had a meeting with my supervisor. She told me that I was doing great music-wise, but she felt a lack of confidence in the way I presented myself. She said that I gave off an air of being too concerned with what others thought of me without analyzing my own actions or thoughts for simply what they were. At first, I was really shocked by this estimation. After all, I have spent most of my life saying that I don’t care what other people think and that I am my own person without being swayed by the need to please others. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how I think others are watching me hundreds of times a day. I think that other people are constantly thinking of me and judging the times when I’m awkward around them or when I am unsure how to adequately express myself or when I accidentally insult them, when in reality, my perceptions that I am being awkward or insulting are generally not even recognized as such by the other party. I realized that even basic interactions get analyzed for a long time after the fact: When that nurse walked past me, did she get a bad impression of me from my awkwardly standing around? Did he think that I didn’t want to be friendly when I said “hello” and then moved on without conversation? Do they think I’m a freak because I believe in Bigfoot and adventures, and will that affect my standing with them and their ability to love me (guys, I’m serious about Bigfoot and seriously can’t get through a blog without mention of him. Anyways.)? The list could go on and on. And as I thought about this internal monologue of questions that flow through my mind on a daily basis, I realized the problem doesn’t lie in how other people perceive me, the problem lies in the assumptions I make as to how others perceive me and my own inability to forgive myself. I could write a whole list of reasons and excuses but the fact is, somewhere in my lifetime, I subconsciously decided that I had to be perfect to be accepted and loved and when perfection could not be achieved, I have looked to the responses of others instead of looking to myself and letting myself be forgiving about my inability to achieve perfection. Most of those people reading this blog know me well, and know how much I crave adventures, how obsessed I am with finding random, off-the-beaten-path things that are generally only visited by old retired couples on their cross-state RV trips. I’ve seen several “world’s largest” in my 22 years—largest concrete totem pole, largest pecan, largest ball of sisal twine, and largest goose are just a few examples. There’s a website calledroadsideamerica.com and it lists all these off-beat attractions by state. I’ve already been pursuing some in Iowa, and I find that I am sometimes disappointed when attractions are not larger-than-life. I have this desire that in my quest to find an Easter Island head, the attraction will be 50-feet tall and utterly life-changing. But what I find instead is a statue as tall as me in the middle of a playground. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just not larger-than-life and awe-inspiring. Internally, I seem to think that my presence is larger-than-life, life-changing, and clearly important to those who see me, when in reality I’m more like the Easter Island head in the playground, and most of the people who I seem to want to impress or from whom I imagine a sense of judgment don’t even notice me or my awkwardness or feelings of insecurity. I impose judgment on myself and feel the weight of that judgment that I perceive from others as I go about the day. I am my own toughest, most judgmental critic.

It’s so foreign to be writing a blog such as this one. Part of my identity amongst peers has been the girl who is never afraid and who is not insecure. I’ve always known who I am and have been confident, or so I thought. I’m realizing these heart-problems are nothing new, though, and have been present for a very long time without being recognized as such, have actually been present for most of my life. All I can figure is that you learn the most about yourself when you are alone, and I am getting ample opportunities for self-reflection here in my tiny studio apartment.

Last Sunday, I went to church with all these ponderings about self-confidence and lack of forgiveness on my mind. I have been attending a mega-church here in Cedar Rapids, which is about as far from my roots as I can possibly go, having attended a church with a maximum of 50 people (on a very good holiday-type day) for the majority of my life. Despite the vast size of this church, I am very impressed with the pastor. He is incredibly laid back and preaches the Bible without seeking to please people with “feel good” lessons. His sermons are challenging and really relevant to life and growth as a Christian. This Sunday, he was speaking on the discipleship of new believers, and he gave an illustration of how many Christians perceive their relationship with Jesus to be. He had a guy come up and clasped hands with him, saying that we believe Jesus is holding onto us in that manner. The pastor counted off, and on his cue, the man who was demonstrating let go. Being only grasped by the fingers, he fell backwards and away from the pastor. Even though we know about grace, we seem to feel that our relationship with God is contingent on how tightly we can hold on. When we fail, as we inevitably do, we think we will fall away and God will have to scramble to re-grab us as we fight and work our way back to that reach of grace. The pastor then asked the man to hold his hand again. This time, the pastor reached out with his other hand and grabbed the man’s forearm even as the same hold as before was occurring in the other hand. On the count, the man let go, and neither man moved, connected tightly by the grip the pastor had on the other man’s forearm. His point was that this was in actuality a better depiction of how our relationship with God is as His children. We can grasp to His promises, but our ability to hold on is not what determines our relationship. Even when we let go and do not hold onto the promises, love, and grace of God, He still has us tightly in His grip, and we cannot be shaken. A girl I know from an old Bible study always signed things with the phrase “In His Grip”, and I never thought much about it before. Now I am realizing how powerful that statement is, and how beautifully descriptive of grace it is to say that I, as a Christian, am eternally in that place of being gripped.

Through that illustration of being in His grip, I realized that my lack of self-forgiveness and my distance in my relationship with God were not opposite events, they both stemmed from the same heart-problem, the problem that whispers to my soul that I can never be perfect or good enough. Instead of reveling in the love that God wants to freely give me, I have been looking instead to my own strength to be good enough in the eyes of God. I have been trying to make it through my days without grace. I am re-reading the book “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller, and coincidentally the chapter that I read last night was all about grace and how difficult it is sometimes to accept grace when we try so hard to work our way into being good enough, into being perfect. One of the quotes knocked the breath out of me and seemed to describe my current heart-problem pretty well: “I love to give charity, but I don’t want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace.” It’s easy for me to do work. It’s hard for me to just accept unconditional love, especially when I see myself failing in so many ways and realize I am so unworthy of that love. But as a daughter of the King, my role in my relationship with God is to humbly receive that unconditional love, nothing more and nothing less.

So….my goal for this week is to not listen to the lies. When I walk about doing my various jobs in internship, I will dismiss the thoughts that I am being judged by or inconvenient to others. I am going to stop trying to be good enough. I am going to refuse any attempts to be perfect, to change myself to please others. I am going to focus solely on God’s love for me, and the fact that I am perpetually under a sea of grace and unconditional love that has absolutely nothing to do with my own merit or lack thereof. I am going to cling to the promises given in the Bible, and I am going to let God work at healing my brokenness. I’m not sure if this blog was cohesive, and I know that I am still a work in progress, but to quote some Switchfoot, kinda, “God gave His own Son to put motion inside of my soul”. This is the motion that is happening within me and throughout my life right now, and it is important to me to express these critical and sometimes difficult revelations in my life journey with those of you who truly care about and stay invested in my life. To end, I would like to quote another portion of the “Blue Like Jazz” chapter that spoke so deeply to my thirsty spirit last night:

“If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love.”

In His Grip,

Katie

I'm the hero of this story?

Dependence versus Independence

This past weekend, I went back to Kansas. I don't think I can really accurately describe how needed that trip was, and how good it was for my heart. I stopped to see Michael and his family first, and I had to keep making sure he was real and I was actually there in their house. I spent time with Bethany and we shared so many soul-talks. Today I visited with both Gretchen and Kristy, both of whom are so good for my heart. With all of the people whom I visited, I kept mentally repeating Keats: "I almost wish we were butterflies that lived but three summer days. Three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." It was a butterfly weekend, and I was sad to leave, even as I felt excited to return to the internship aspect of Iowa. But the love that was showered on me made me feel empowered and able to conquer the world.

But then I got back and my bathroom ceiling was leaking and the floor was flooded. 

I didn't freak out or feel that I couldn't handle the situation, but I still called my parents immediately while texting Michael and emailing my landlord. Then I started feeling mope-y about my circumstances and not feeling like I could do much. I want my song to be "I'm the hero of this story, don't me to be saved", but I feel like I'm more often singing "I hope he will be someone to watch over me". 

Life is full of paradoxes lately. I hate being in Iowa but I love being at UIHC. I call Oklahoma home but I'm homesick for Kansas. I want to be independent and strong but I feel like I'm weak and oh so needy. I trust that this is all a lesson in growing in grace, and I will trust even when I feel like I cannot see, or when I feel like I am doing a terrible job at being an adult and being ok with when and where I am. Over time I will learn, and beauty will come from the growing pains.

A Jonah Weekend

Last night at 10 p.m. I reached my breaking point when, during my time of washing dirty dishes in my too-small sink, a spider the size of a silver dollar crawled across my kitchen counter. I have never been afraid of spiders before, but I found myself screaming several choice words while spraying a bottle of bleach on the vile creature, begging it to die. It started squirming and then fell down the tiny crack between the sink and the oven to the sounds of me being hysterical as I continued to spray everything in my line of vision with bleach (later my Dad's words of wisdom were "Kate? Did you forget that spiders are squishable? Cause they are.") I then spent the rest of my evening sitting on my bed feeling really freaked out and really vulnerable.

Under normal circumstances, I doubt I would have had such a huge overreaction to finding a spider. But this begins my 3rd week living alone in Iowa, and I find that I am overwhelmingly lonely and feeling powerless as to how to fix or take care of basic things. My sink has been burbling up with foul smelling water sporadically throughout the day. I thought it would be a good idea to wash my laundry in the bathtub to avoid having to find quarters for the laundromat, which has resulted in my bathroom being crowded with all my clothes hanging around, still nowhere near being dry enough to out back in the closet. Whenever I need to use Internet, I have to travel to the library or Starbucks, and I feel like there simply are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done. I absolutely adore internship, but when I go home after work each day, I feel overwhelmingly lost and lonely. Today I was driving and my tire pressure light came on--I had a lot of problems with that last year, and had to pretty much go use my tire gauge in the rain to see what my car's status was. It was just another frustration on top of it all, and I was less than happy.

This morning I tried a new church. It was very different than my normal places of worship, with 1500 people attending each service, on average. They had a full orchestra playing hymns, and I sat in my seat and simply cried, unable to sing or do anything else. I feel as though I have been really far from where I need to be in my walk with God, mainly because I have not yet gotten used to my schedule and need to figure out how to adjust quiet time on top of everything else. I still don't have a lot of answers as to how I am going to balance everything, or even how I will manage to be alone for the next 5.5 months. I am vowing to take it all one day at a time, trusting Jesus to provide for me and be my heart healer on the days when I will inevitably feel overwhelmed. For today, I am grateful for grace, and the knowledge that I am where I am supposed to be, even though living here alone in Iowa may seem like an impossible task on this Jonah weekend. Mainly I am grateful that I have a Savior who also acts as high priest, and who will intercede for me and meet me where I am, even on my most complain-y, graceless days such as today. I know that growth happens most during the challenges, and I know that God is not through with me yet. The end result will be worth it, and when I look back I will see the ways in which He will have carried me through the experiences of this period in my life, spider panic included.

Nostalgia

For starters, let's just get one thing straight: as far as people and personality types go, I'm pretty low-maintenance. I'm easily entertained and have so many hobbies that I am usually really good at being alone without needing a ton of affirmation or attention from others. Don't get me wrong, those things have a time and place, but I personally don't require a ton of spotlight time.

That being said, I have pretty much been a basketcase throughout the second half of this summer.

To the casual observer, I have been perfectly fine. But to those closest to me, I have been ridiculously vulnerable and panicky about this season of my life. I've been needing a continual flow of affirmation or distractions from others. The phrase "I have no idea what I'm doing with my life" has left my lips hundreds of times, and as I face a new season in my life, I realize that I am, frankly, scared to death. 

Scared that I won't have a job when I finish internship. Scared of student debt. Scared of losing previous friends when I move even farther away to Iowa. Scared that I will be a complete failure at this whole intern thing. Scared of how my story is going to play out. Scared of living a mediocre life. Scared that my life as I know it is now going to be over as I have to become a real, full-time adult. 

I think the last fear is the one that is hitting hardest. Everywhere I go, nostalgia overtakes me. When I went home a few weeks ago, my Dad and I returned to his hometown and I was overcome with emotion the whole day, missing my grandparents and wanting desperately to go back in time and spend more time with them, and spend more time as a little kid running through the pasture with my cousin, Kyle. At church, nostalgia struck again, making me remember how every member of that 

sweet church adopted me as I grew and loved me thoroughly and became my family (and somehow, as I've aged, they've all gotten older, too, which rips at my heart). Several sweet friends are going back to college this week, reminding me of 18-year-old Katie, and how scared and insecure she was, thinking that her life was over because she was moving from Oklahoma to Kansas where she knew nobody (and yes, I realize that in 4 years I will look back at 22-year-old Katie and scoff at her naivety as well). As things are changing so quickly and drastically around me, I find that I just want to go back. I want to relive past things and be little again. 

For the past few weeks as all these things have circled in my mind and emotions, I have felt like a huge failure as a follower of Christ. If my trust is in Jesus, why am I so scared? Why wasn't my faith in Him coming easily? I had several friends who kept me grounded, constantly reminding me how I was going to be ok, and how God did have His hand over my life. And even though I knew that in my head, I didn't feel it in my heart, and that lack of feeling made me feel like a really apathetic and bad representation of Christ. I was still having quiet time and trying to focus on God, but I was just too distracted by....everything. I still was having awesome days, but at the end of the day when I went to sleep, I felt as though I had accomplished nothing meaningful. Surely there was more I had to do in order to get out of my funk so that I could go embrace a faith-filled life with brilliant fervor.

But then this Sunday at church, the pastor made a comment that hit me: faith never really comes naturally. Because if it did, it wouldn't really be faith. And with that comment, I realized that I am going to be ok. Others had told me this, but I needed to acknowledge to myself that God sees, God knows. My questions are already answered, even if I cannot see the answers at this point in time. My weakness of faith is seen, and yet I am still covered by the blood of Jesus (and honestly, in my weakness, my need to depend on God grows and grows). There will be times in my life where things are absolutely certain, and times in my life like now, where things will be insanely ambiguous. That's just a part of being human. I. don't need to know all the answers, I just have to trust. And no matter what befalls....I will be ok.

And so I am trusting again. I am waking up singing, embracing the grace that is being freely given to someone as weak and clumsy as me. I don't really know how everything turned around, other than by the Spirit's work, but I am grateful for the change. I believe that God is doing a good work in me, and that that work is nowhere near completion. Tonight the unknown doesn't seem scary, it seems like an adventure waiting to unfold.

To end this post, here's a song by my favorite band, Elephant Revival. Not sure how to add videos to my blog since I practically live in the 1880's in my understanding of technology, but I figured I'd give it a try. It has nothing to do with my blogpost except for the shared title, so....enjoy! 

Nostalgia by Elephant Revival

Twisted Perspective, Inaccurate Expectations

Update, June 21, 2013

Hello again, everybody! Here's yet another update from Russia. 

Yesterday was really rough. I was incredibly frustrated with many things: the fact that I feel like I haven't changed in my relationship with God even as I am on this trip, the fact that our schedule has us so busy that I barely have time to even breathe, and mainly, the fact that our team really feels like a group of individuals co-existing in Russia rather than as a unified front. Do I sound cynical? Maybe. But it has definitely been a struggle.

After somehow getting through the day yesterday, I went up on the roof and spent a long time with Jesus. In regards to our relationship, I asked Him to help me to trust that His word is truth, even when I don't feel anything. I asked Him to take away my fears and frustrations and to fill me with His Spirit so that I could fight fear and apathy, looking to Him instead of to myself. I sang the song "As the Deer" at least 20 times and changed the lyrics to prayers and sang out over the view of St. Petersburg. Thankfully, God is faithful, and I felt much better on the spiritual front this morning.

Then on the way to breakfast, I was talking to my team leader and realized one reason why I am so frustrated with the lack of team unity. When I was preparing for this trip, I honestly had no expectations about connecting with any Russian students. My main expectation was that I would find a new family in the form of my American team. Yet here I am in Russia, and at our graduation ceremony tonight, I realized just how many of the students I have connected with and grown to love. At least 5 come to mind as being really close, and multiple others have occupied soft places in my heart. And it's amazing that these Russian students love me, an awkward 22-year-old from Oklansas (OK/KS; its a new word I'm trying out for size) who doesn't speak any Russian, and that I do love them and connect with them in return. Yet while they were loving me, I wasn't noticing because I was so frustrated with the fact that my expectations for the team were not being met. But really? I didn't come to Russia to love more Americans. I came to Russia to love Russians. My viewpoint yesterday was backwards, and hence frustration occurred. 

So what's next? Next week will be full of time to do things privately with the students with whom I have most connected. Now that I have remembered how important this is, I am really excited for the opportunity. The times when I feel most loved and used and obedient here in Russia are those when I am with the students God has brought to me. I look forward to the experiences we will share and I hope that I can continue to find ways to uniquely love them with the love of my Father. As for the team? I'm working on forgiving when people don't meet my expectations. All the people on this trip are genuinely amazing people, we just have a lot of differences. It makes the day easier when I can just accept that people are complex, and that I don't have to hold it against them when things go unexpectedly.  Maybe I'm a cynic, but I don't know how much team bonding can occur in just the 8 days remaining. My prayer is that we will make the most of our time, and that we will part without a bitter taste and an appreciation for each other. 

Well, that's all I got for now. Fun Russia fact of the evening: it's 11 p.m. and the sun looks like it would at 6 p.m. in Oklansas (see what I did there? The word is growing on you!). This whole "being really far north" thing is kinda growing on me, but I look forward to seeing night time again soon! 

Today Has Been a Really Bizarre Day....

This morning started as usual. Music class was listening to songs of sagas, including a weird song by the founder of Jimmy Dean sausages called "Big Bad John". Then someone came in and told us we had to end class immediately, because the government was doing a surprise inspection of the school, and the entire camp that we were a part of was not registered and should not have been there. So around 11 am, we were running around erasing evidence that we existed and packing up to go outside. We took all the students and volunteers to a nearby park, where we then played baseball and ultimate frisbee for almost 4 hours while the inspectors came. To make matters even more bizarre, while we were hiding at the park, a tv station came and shot footage of us playing and doing random things, like singing the national anthems of both countries or teaching a fake class, in order to put a story of us on the local news for 30,000 people to see. So while we hid from the Russian government,  our activity involved telling all about our camp to the public media.

Then this evening, I was longing for guitar time, so I asked to borrow Ben's guitar. I was walking down the hall of our dorm with it in its case, when two Russian men came and took it from me and started playing really loudly it in the hallway. They were talking a lot in Russia, I was talking a lot in English, and nothing was being accomplished. It was really frustrating. But thankfully the guitar returned safely and I hid out to play. One of the guys came by later to try to take it again, but I would not surrender my grip on the instrument!

I've really been struggling with the comparison game while on this trip. I feel like all the things that normally make me unique--such as singing, guitar, running, painting, etc.--are all skills already held and maintained by other people on this trip. I've been feeling inadequate and unable to be me for fear of stealing the spotlight when others are so much more talented than I will ever be. But then I realize that all these feelings are from Satan, trying to rob my joy and make me less effective. I had a personal guitar worship time (away from the Russian men) and just realized....when I take the focus way from God and place the praise on myself, there is no joy or meaning to what I do. The gifts I have been given should not be about me, should nev be about me. All I do should point to God and His glory, not to what I can do to get affirmation. So with these thoughts in mind, I've been trying this past week to not focus on the things I love to do or talk about. It's REALLY hard, but its possible when I ask God to keep me from jealousy or loneliness.

So yeah. That's the main life lesson right now. And on a lighthearted note of one last bizarre thing.....I'm starting to crave the simple porridge plus bread and cheese breakfasts to the point that I want them in every meal. When in Russia, I guess! Thanks for the continued prayers and encouragement. I wake up grateful to be here and fall asleep thanking God for all that He is doing in and through my life :)

Russia Update, June 17th, 2013

Hello, world. Here's for another update from good ole Pushkin, Russia.

So, yeah. Updating is hard. I don't know what to tell ya'll, or what the important details are so far. I figure that the significant details will become apparent as time goes on.

We've been really busy with our English classes! They have been good, and it's been nice to get to know students better each day. I've gotten pretty used to our schedule: 6 am wake up for shower/quiet time, 8:15 am walk to school, 8:45 am breakfast, 10 am classes, 2 pm lunch, followed by excursion/sports/dinner/personal belief discussions. During those times we get to talk to the students on deeper levels of conversation than we would get to in the classroom alone. I've been laughing with my new friends a lot, and every evening when I go back to sleep in my really short bed with feet hanging off, I am grateful for the day and the opportunity to be here in Russia. I'm not feeling panicky anymore, which is AWESOME (thanks for the prayers!). I've actually started craving my daily dose of porridge and cheese bread, but can't say the same for the mystery fish meatballs. Anyways, I digress.

I could tell you of all the things I see and feel and experience, but I just don't have time to process it all and type it out. So I'll keep this short and do a bulleted list of the main things I'm learning/experiencing:

*spiritual warfare is real. I can feel my insecurities growing as I compare myself to others on this trip, knowing that I can never be as good as they are or as beneficial to the team. But then I realize that those are lies, and my adequacy comes from Jesus, not from myself.

*the more I get used to Russia, the better it is. I'm even starting to learn to read! Kinda. And things like not having toilet paper/paper towels or sleeping on a mattress with a board in the middle isn't the worst thing in the world anymore. It's exciting to be in a new culture, exciting to just be alive and take it all in.

*So this is silly, but a lot of skeptical people told me that God had me on this trip to force me to move to Russia as a missionary. But being here is re-affirming the path that God has given me, the path with music therapy. A lot of the skills I have developed in my classes are used here in teaching English, and I am getting this beautiful peace about where I am in life and what God will do in and through me in the years to come.

*As an outgoing introvert, I am getting really exhausted from constantly being around a huge group of people. But I know that if I stop going and doing and being, I will regret it. So I am going to do absolutely everything that I can in these next 13 days I have in this country, trusting God to be my energy and source of renewal.

*I definitely don't see myself moving to another country long term, but if any friends are doing so and want an American friend to visit for a week or two....hey? hey? hit me up. Traveling is fun :)

 

Update June 10

Blogspot, 6/10/2013

Hello again from Russia! A lot has happened since I last wrote. I will try to be as cohesive as possible, but I apologize if I miss some details.

When I wrote my last post, I was a little overwhelmed by all of the new things in Russia. We were doing a lot of preparation work, and I was so tired and focused on myself that I wasn't really looking forward to spending an entire month in Russia. But then, the students arrived....and everything was worth it and perfect and good. It's kinda like camp: you wait and wait and feel scared and unsure, and then the campers arrive, and you realize that the preparation was absolutely worth the experience (yeah, everything in my life reminds me of camp...). 

So anyways. The students arrived, and we did some "get to know you" things. My team was initiated as Russian-Americans by eating Russian bread dipped in salt. It was rather hard, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to rip off a piece in front of all the students! But I did, it was salty, and now I belong! Also that night, the students and their parents brought Russian pancakes, called "Blini" for a potluck dinner. I literally ate a ton of sugar and called it dinner. When in Russia....

After dinner, we had a sing off, Russians vs Americans. We had to sing songs from our culture, and it was so beautiful to hear many people singing Russian folk songs. Our group sang hymns, and we all stayed much later at the school than we had planned. 

The next day (Saturday) we woke up, ate leftover blini, and went back to the school to go on an excursion with the students. We went to Peterhof in St. Petersburg. This is an area of palaces and fountains created by Peter I. This tour occurred with our own personal small groups, which were randomly assigned the previous evening. Being placed with my small group was an absolute blessing. I have 4 main girls (Svieta, Ann, Ann, and....Ann; ages 16) that have really opened up to share their country with me. They told me stories and took me around the gardens. One of the really neat moments involved a statue in the centre of the park, of which a myth is told that if you throw a coin and it lands in the boot of the statue, your wishes come true. Before coming to Russia, I was warned that Russians were cold and took days or weeks to warm up to Americans. But as my 4 girls and I stood around chunking rubles into the air for half an hour, all the while laughing/screaming/hugging when the coins reached their destination, I was blessed to realize the stereotypes were not always right. 

Saturday night after Peterhof, the American team ate pizza that tastes like American pizza (!!!) and then came back to the roof of our dorm to worship together. I went to bed thinking about how much I legitimately love these people, most of whom I only met a week ago. 

Sunday was pretty neat. Our Russian friend, Tanya, met us at the bus stop and helped us ride that and the St. Petersburg subway to her church, a Christian Russian/English fellowship. The worship service was beautiful, but listening to the translation was hard, and I regretfully fell asleep. After church I was rather upset that I had missed out on a great worship experience, but we then went on another adventure. For lunch, we went to the home of Americans, Charles and Ginger Payne, living in St. Petersburg for work. Turns out, they were Christians as well! We ate a ton of spaghetti and cookies, enjoyed using American bathrooms, and ended up having a worship session with everyone in the room singing and praising God together. Definitely one of the most amazing things that could have come from our visit! We stayed for almost 5 hours, and left refreshed and full of joy. 

Today was the first day in which we taught the students. Basically, we are at a school in Pushkin, teaching English-based classes in Music, Film, and Sports to students, ages 13-17. I'm in music, and it was so much fun to listen to music and basically do lyric analysis after the music plays. Thankfully, the girls in my small group are also in music and I trust that our friendships will continue to develop. After lunch and a trip to a local park by the castle (!!!), we played ultimate frisbee with the students. That was a new experience, and I surprisingly loved it! Then we went back and had personal belief discussions with our groups, during which I got to hear from my girls and really get to know them on a deeper level. 

So to summarize....

I love being in Russia. There are definitely challenges, though. I've been waking up in the morning with a sense of panic, wondering why I am here and intensely missing my boyfriend, my bedroom, my friends, wifi, and, surprisingly, Starbucks drinks and strawberries (seriously, no idea why those both sound like the epitome of heaven-on-earth while overseas). But then I talk to Jesus, and He brings me through the feelings of homesickness. A million times every day, I find myself having to fight selfishness and the desire to be the centre of my world. It's a very surprising struggle to face. But through it I am trying to depend more fully on God and to rest in His grace. And even when I start the day struggling, by the end of the day when I see the joy being shared here in the school or I worship with my new friends here... I know that there's a meaning to it all, and I can be satisfied, I can rejoice

Update June 10

Blogspot, 6/10/2013

Hello again from Russia! A lot has happened since I last wrote. I will try to be as cohesive as possible, but I apologize if I miss some details.

When I wrote my last post, I was a little overwhelmed by all of the new things in Russia. We were doing a lot of preparation work, and I was so tired and focused on myself that I wasn't really looking forward to spending an entire month in Russia. But then, the students arrived....and everything was worth it and perfect and good. It's kinda like camp: you wait and wait and feel scared and unsure, and then the campers arrive, and you realize that the preparation was absolutely worth the experience (yeah, everything in my life reminds me of camp...). 

So anyways. The students arrived, and we did some "get to know you" things. My team was initiated as Russian-Americans by eating Russian bread dipped in salt. It was rather hard, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to rip off a piece in front of all the students! But I did, it was salty, and now I belong! Also that night, the students and their parents brought Russian pancakes, called "Blini" for a potluck dinner. I literally ate a ton of sugar and called it dinner. When in Russia....

After dinner, we had a sing off, Russians vs Americans. We had to sing songs from our culture, and it was so beautiful to hear many people singing Russian folk songs. Our group sang hymns, and we all stayed much later at the school than we had planned. 

The next day (Saturday) we woke up, ate leftover blini, and went back to the school to go on an excursion with the students. We went to Peterhof in St. Petersburg. This is an area of palaces and fountains created by Peter I. This tour occurred with our own personal small groups, which were randomly assigned the previous evening. Being placed with my small group was an absolute blessing. I have 4 main girls (Svieta, Ann, Ann, and....Ann; ages 16) that have really opened up to share their country with me. They told me stories and took me around the gardens. One of the really neat moments involved a statue in the centre of the park, of which a myth is told that if you throw a coin and it lands in the boot of the statue, your wishes come true. Before coming to Russia, I was warned that Russians were cold and took days or weeks to warm up to Americans. But as my 4 girls and I stood around chunking rubles into the air for half an hour, all the while laughing/screaming/hugging when the coins reached their destination, I was blessed to realize the stereotypes were not always right. 

Saturday night after Peterhof, the American team ate pizza that tastes like American pizza (!!!) and then came back to the roof of our dorm to worship together. I went to bed thinking about how much I legitimately love these people, most of whom I only met a week ago. 

Sunday was pretty neat. Our Russian friend, Tanya, met us at the bus stop and helped us ride that and the St. Petersburg subway to her church, a Christian Russian/English fellowship. The worship service was beautiful, but listening to the translation was hard, and I regretfully fell asleep. After church I was rather upset that I had missed out on a great worship experience, but we then went on another adventure. For lunch, we went to the home of Americans, Charles and Ginger Payne, living in St. Petersburg for work. Turns out, they were Christians as well! We ate a ton of spaghetti and cookies, enjoyed using American bathrooms, and ended up having a worship session with everyone in the room singing and praising God together. Definitely one of the most amazing things that could have come from our visit! We stayed for almost 5 hours, and left refreshed and full of joy. 

Today was the first day in which we taught the students. Basically, we are at a school in Pushkin, teaching English-based classes in Music, Film, and Sports to students, ages 13-17. I'm in music, and it was so much fun to listen to music and basically do lyric analysis after the music plays. Thankfully, the girls in my small group are also in music and I trust that our friendships will continue to develop. After lunch and a trip to a local park by the castle (!!!), we played ultimate frisbee with the students. That was a new experience, and I surprisingly loved it! Then we went back and had personal belief discussions with our groups, during which I got to hear from my girls and really get to know them on a deeper level. 

So to summarize....

I love being in Russia. There are definitely challenges, though. I've been waking up in the morning with a sense of panic, wondering why I am here and intensely missing my boyfriend, my bedroom, my friends, wifi, and, surprisingly, Starbucks drinks and strawberries (seriously, no idea why those both sound like the epitome of heaven-on-earth while overseas). But then I talk to Jesus, and He brings me through the feelings of homesickness. A million times every day, I find myself having to fight selfishness and the desire to be the centre of my world. It's a very surprising struggle to face. But through it I am trying to depend more fully on God and to rest in His grace. And even when I start the day struggling, by the end of the day when I see the joy being shared here in the school or I worship with my new friends here... I know that there's a meaning to it all, and I can be satisfied, I can rejoice

White Nights and Illiteracy

So I've been in Russia for about 2 full days now. It's still an absolutely breathtaking experience, but I'm definitely having to get accustomed to new things.

For instance....
*The sun doesn't actually really set in Russia. I went to bed last night at 10 p.m. and it was as bright as it was in the afternoon. It gets kinda dark around 3 a.m., but it still looks like twilight or sunrise.
*Toilets are flushed by a knob on the top of the toilet. Toilets also kinda spray everywhere if you don't shut the lid.
*For the first time in my life....I can't read anything.
*Porridge and soup. All day, e'rryday.
*There's a placed called "Megaburger" which is like Russian McDonalds. Except it's nothing at all like McDonalds. And there's a food called a "magic box" which is essentially a chicken wrap with multiple giant globs of mayonnaise. Thankfully I did not try this firsthand.
*A lot of Russian names sound similar or have similar roots. I met about 15 girls today with names all derived from some form of "Anastasia"
*Speaking of Anastasia, the palace where she died is across the street from where I am right now. No big deal.
*So there is a lot to get used to. But there's a lot of really neat things, too. So many beautiful things to see and so many kind people to meet.

Up next: Blinki party tonight with our ELP (English Language Program) students, trip to Peterhof with the same tomorrow, and classes beginning on Monday!

This is My Father's World

So most of you already know that I get excited about pretty much everything. But today was my first international flight and it was SO COOL! I know, I know. Spending 8 hours on a plane doesn't sound fun. And honestly not all of it is good (ie, I can tell how bad I smell at this point, I'm a little giddy from sleep loss, and oh! Another flight is about to happen in half an hour!). But in the last day-ish, I: flew on a 2-story plane for the first time, saw the sun rise over the sphere of the earth at what I perceived to be 1 am, practically had a plane sleepover with my friend, Kristy, ate airplane food (fun story, semi-related: I decided to go to the bathroom at the same time the drink carts decided to go down the aisles preparing for dinner, and I was asked to stay in the kitchen for about 20-minutes. The flight attendants were super nice and talked to me and gave me free things :), left American soil, and landed in Frankfurt on a different continent where, after a few hours of being in the airport, things really are not as foreign as I would think they would be.

I'm ready to land in Russia around midnight local time, ready to brush my teeth, remove my contacts, and finally sleep for a little bit. But just being here, and seeing the lands of Ireland, England, and Germany from the sky.....so grateful for the journey and the chance to see things I never thought I would see. As we flew, I mainly sat looking out the window and singing "How Great Thou Art" and "This is My Father's World", so blessed to be His and to be following His leading for this next month abroad.

I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends: Russia Venture Days One and Two

I'm pretty tired tonight, but thought I would give a quick update on my Russia journey before heading to get some much anticipated sleep.

I flew out from KCI yesterday at 10:17 a.m. (Graciously brought to the airport by my awesome boyfriend, Michael :) headed to Phoenix. I had a layover in Denver, then experienced an amazingly drastic temperature difference when I stepped off at my final destination in sunny Arizona. I've nev been to Arizona before, and in true Katie fashion, was pretty wowed by the desert/cacti scene.

Anyways, we met the whole team yesterday. Our initial discussion was to share one word on our feelings towards the trip. The word I chose was "apprehensive", largely in part to the fact that, while outgoing, I am more of an introvert, and being in a room with 10 new people was a bit daunting. Within 10 minutes of sharing my fears, though, I wished I could change my word. Every person on this trip seems so genuine and joyful, and I am confident that team unity will continue to blossom. I felt instantly comfortable with my circumstances, and was so glad to be accepted for everything I say and do. At several times in my life, I have seen people and instinctively began to mentally sing "I can tell that we a gonna be friends". This trip is no different. I am excited to see how these friendships that I sense will develop and what memories I will be treasuring in my heart years from now from these beginning days of our friendship.

And on another note of belonging.....today we talked about how Satan uses insecurities to attack us and make us less useful for God. I've never thought of myself as insecure, but then we talked about how everyone in a group, when asked, will feel that they are the ones on the outside looking in, I realized that summation can be said about many situations in my life. I have a tendency to feel like a black sheep, an awkward person, a girl who doesn't think like others think or doesn't know what to say during interactions. But, in this short time I've spent with the team, I truly believe that they are all seeking the best of us all and wanting to follow God. I am not left out, I am not insignificant, I belong here. I don't know yet what God has in store for me, but I rest in knowing that He will never truly finish completing a good work in me until I finally see Him face to face.

Ok, I'm so tired I'm seeing double. Please forgive me if that seemed like a lot of rambles,

Up next: leaving for Russia on Tuesday afternoon!

Top 5 Coolest Things

Those who know me know that I can get really excited about pretty much anything. I often find myself talking about really wonderful experiences followed by the phrase "it was probably one of the top 5 coolest things I've ever seen/done".

The more I use this phrase, the more I wonder, "what ARE the top 5 moments of my life thus far?" As I sort through memories, I realize the challenge in being a person perpetually amazed with life: there are way more than 5 things on my coolest list. Still, some things stand out more than others on the canvas of life. Here are some of those Top 5 Coolest Moments, in no particular order

*Finishing my first marathon in OKC. My second marathon was much more enjoyable and better run, but turning the corner on Broadway, seeing the finish line, and knowing that I was going to finish a race I had never thought I could accomplish or even dare to dream about....what an amazing life moment. Followed by some puke.

*Discovering whale sharks at the Georgia Aquarium with my friend, Kim. These animals are so beautiful and so big that they eclipsed the light when they passed over me in the viewing tunnel. It left me breathless and in awe of a God who creates little me and giant whale sharks.

*Attending a multi-cultural church in the heart of San Diego. There were many different nations represented, and we sang songs during praise time in all of our different languages. When we sang "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham, I'm pretty sure I was not the only member of the SDEX team sobbing tears of joy and wonder.

*Going out into the deep country near my Dad's hometown of Hartshorne, OK, right after my Pawpaw Kyzer died unexpectedly. It was January, the winter sky was vivid, and there were no lights. Dad drove me out there and we sat on the hood of the truck and looked at the stars and cried and talked about my Pawpaw's life. It was so simple and beautiful, and kinda life-saving considering the circumstances.

*Getting to be the one to help James Morris ride a horse for the first time in his life while at MPH summer camp. This was a guy limited by muscular dystrophy who had been told his whole life he couldn't do things. But we had horses at camp, and he decided he would try it. It took several people to get him on the horse, but we made it, and I rode behind him holding on for dear life. (note: pretty much every time I get to help a friend accomplish something "impossible" at camp, I cherish it in my heart forever. I could write a book on all the "top 5 coolest camp moments", but this particular story is a pretty good summation of the heart of camp)

*Seeing Paul McCartney in concert. Ok, so this one happened last night. But I was fangirling/practically crying the whole time. It was so surreal to hear and see a man I have been listening to and appreciating for my entire life. And the concert was beyond all expectations or dreams. Even though the memory is still fresh, I know it will be cemented for a long time to come

*Waking up to a thunderstorm when I was really young and seeing the water pouring all around our living room (back when we had windows on both sides of the room). Before that night, I was scared of storms. I was probably 6 or 7, and I woke up from the rain. But as I ran to my parents' room, I was captivated by the beauty of the rain and lightning. That night changed my attitude about rain. (I realize this sounds like a cheesy memoir, but I promise it was REALLY cool!)

*Driving in the Panhandle and seeing the sky touch the earth and falling in love with an area of the world that few people ever see

*Seeing the Starry Night by Van Gogh in person. Favorite painting. Stood and stared at it for so long and still didn't get enough.

*Being led to move to Kansas. I had planned on living in Purcell for my entire life. Turns out God's plans are a million times better than my own. Everything in life is making a lot of sense now, and I am able to see how perfectly orchestrated this phase of my life has been, and how it paves the way for so many more adventures and experiences that will definitely leave me speechless and breathless and just as in love with life as all these posts have made me feel thus far :)