Help me to BE

This weekend, I volunteered with UCF to help at a DNOW (discipleship now, youth group revival retreat) in Valley Center, Kansas. It was a really amazing experience, and I am grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to give my time and love to teenagers in the process of planting seeds for Him in their lives. I worked with the middle school girls, and the whole time we were in Bible study, my heart was being touched by God, stirring me to realization of things that I have been chewing on for the past month now. That night as the girls were screaming to karaoke and all us college sponsors were settling down for the night, I opened my prayer journal and began to write. I am usually not a big fan of posting prayers publicly, but the conversation I had with my Father perfectly describes everything I have been trying to put in a blog for the past several weeks. So, here it is, a peek into a conversation with my heavenly Father. I pray that something I say will touch you as a reader or somehow inspire you in the way these thoughts have been changing me. In Christ...



2/26/10
Dear Father,
This past week has been so crazy. I have been so unfocused and restless feeling, like I need something desperately. And I know in my head what I need--You--but my heart has been stone-like. Today was the first day of the DNOW at Valley Center. I'm working with the middle school girls, and it just made me stop and think about my spiritual maturity level at that age. I was so far from where I am now, and it's haunting to think of how much I've grown, and how Your hand has led me through it all, both good times and bad. And sometimes I look at others and feel that maybe I'm ahead of them on my level of closeness to You, but the matter is that I am still growing, even now. Six years from now, I'll be looking back at these years with the same disbelief I now have viewing my junior high years. I can never be close enough to You; there's always a deeper love to fall into. In a way, this is an amazing blessing to realize: no matter where life takes me, I will always be in a process of being drawn closer to Your heart. Sometimes I will fail, but Your grace and love and pursuit of my heart will remain. On the other side though...I long even more to see You face to face in heaven...where I will be struck speechless with utter gratitude for the life and freedom You gifted to me, and where my love will be at it's pinnacle, always faithful and focused on You alone without other distractions. God, how amazing! I want to be there right now! But I know that the time for heaven is farther down the road, and there's much more to learn and experience here on earth. So until I stand before You in Your glory, help me to be:

A burning fire of Your love, not just a lowly flame.

Someone who changes the world--even if it's only the world of one life.

Someone who truly impacts the life of another.

A prayer warrior.

The one people can depend on.

Filled with Your grace.

Beautiful, on the inside where it is true beauty that spreads to the outer appearance through joy

A TESTIMONY to JOY.

Unshakable in storms.

Compassionate to all.

Someone who sees through Your eyes.

Amazed at every daily miracle.

A wise spender of time.

ALIVE with NO regrets.

And, above all...

The confident woman You made me to be in You.

I love You, Father. Thank You and praise to You for first loving me.