Sunday, October 18, 2015

Reset.

This morning on the way to church, I was becoming painfully aware of the fact that I need a reset button for my soul.

It's not that I've been doing anything bad, like murdering my neighbors or embezzling money. But I've been growing distant in my relationship with God and with other believers, and I've allowed this distance to become a norm, an ok. Prayer has always been a struggle in my life, if I'm going to be perfectly honest. My brain gets off topic easily--for goodness sake, my blog is called "Random. Thoughts.", and that's not by accidental, whimsical choosing. There have been definite times in my life where I am more disciplined in prayer, but often my thoughts begin to stray, and lately when praying has become difficult I've been choosing to let it fall by the wayside rather than give the effort I know I need to give to actually communicate and live in service to the almighty creator of the universe (who for some reason still wants me, even when I'm being all stubborn and secretive in my lack of communication). On top of that, I've been realizing how cynical and stony my heart can be when I'm not praying or seeking community. I get online and see overzealous right-wing conservatives wrapping their hatred in the name of Jesus and it makes me cynical towards the conservative Christian mindset. I watch people get wrapped up in over-the-top, extremely-emotional responses to very corporate worship and I wonder if my responses to worship are just as shallow and mindless. I start to get annoyed with the Christian stereotypes, but in reality I shouldn't be looking at people who claim the name of Christian and getting bitter, I should be looking to Christ alone and using Him and His truth as the level aligning factor for truth and holiness within my own life.

I'm a passionate person. I don't do anything by halves, and I don't listen to common sense or reason when I'm being all fiery and stubborn. And like the amazing songwriter Rich Mullins (whom I've written about in past blog posts if you want to read about him), I know that God is real. I know that He is vital and working in very raw and intricate ways throughout my life story and throughout the story of all humanity. And even when I get cynical and stubborn, I will still choose to believe, even when my brain is straying in a million different directions and even when I'm gritting my teeth every time I see another post that says "If you love Jesus then you will sign this petition saying that Hillary is the antichrist SHARE IF YOU LOVE THE LORD OR YOU WILL BURN."*

I need a reset button. I need to purge from all the distractions into which I allow myself to fall. I need to stop accepting mediocre commitment and start living out in extravagant joy. I need grace. Oh, how I need grace.

There are two songs that keep coming to mind as I face yet another internal struggle of faith vs. apathy. The first is "Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross", an old hymn by Fanny Crosby. Maybe it's because I'm a musician and maybe it's because I primarily process things visually, but when I think of this song, I also get a mental image of myself running like mad as the world caves in with chaos and pain around me. Even as the chaos and horror grows, the sound mutes, and all I can hear are the lyrics to the hymn. As I imagine this scene, I realize that this isn't a far cry from what my deepest heart of hearts is desiring. My life is really truly beautiful, and I am blessed to not have had many external storms of life to battle. But within my heart, storms rage. And when they rage the loudest, my heart is found singing: "Jesus, keep me near the cross/there a precious fountain/free to all a healing stream/flows from Calvary's mountain/In the cross, in the cross, be my glory ever/Till my ransomed soul shall find/rest beyond the river." There's a really amazing cover of this song I found on YouTube while writing this blog at the bottom of the post, so check it out.

The second song that keeps entering my consciousness, begging to be heard is "O Come, O Come Emmanuel". Above all else, this is my need. This is my heart's desire and prayer. I need Emmanuel, or "God with us". I am an imperfect human in an imperfect world, and oh, how I need Emmanuel. Oh, how I need Jesus. Even when life is going so beautifully, I can never do it alone. O come, o come, Emmanuel, into my life and heart and soul and strength.

So where does that leave me? I'm not really sure. I'm going to try to start by letting go of distractions and digging in deeply to the tiny communities I'm gradually starting to find in Emporia. I'm going to seek for ladies within my area with whom I can be vulnerable and accountable. Most of all, I'm going to try to practice the rare art of simply being still for a change.

Jesus, keep me near the cross. Show me how to rest in You.



Katie





*slight exaggeration. Whatevs.

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