I don't really know how to explain this feeling to you, so I am going to give you a little peek into the events that have been transpiring.
Case Study One:
Once upon a time in the wonderful land of high school, I had an archnemesis. Go ahead and laugh, but I knew it was true in my heart. Her name was Amanda, and she was tiny and funny and popular and everything-I-was-not-in-my-sophomore-and-junior-years. To make matters even worse, she and her best friend were really quite mean through our years of band together, and the majority of my high school tears found their root in Amanda and her friend. Oh, and did I mention she was dating one of my best guy friends? Yeah...
Since she was a grade above me, I said an enthusiastic "good riddance" in 2008 and have barely thought of her since. I mean, yeah, things often got awkward when I would spend time with my friend and hear him talk about how much he loved his girlfriend, but I just ignored the "something-is-not-right" twinge that I felt inside and went about my merry way. Now that I don't see him daily, I hadn't even heard of or from Amanda in some time, and I honestly kinda forgot all about her.
Then, something crazy happened. Mid-October, I began thinking about Amanda. And it wasn't just a random, one-time deal. I was thinking about her every single day, wondering how life was treating her, and since she was on my mind, she began crossing my prayers: occassionally at first, and then more and more often. I hated it. Every time I thought of her and prayed for her to have a good day, I felt as though I was losing a wrestling match inside of my heart. I would get an uncomfortable feeling and get a very crabby demeanor if people were around at the time. I began to seek God and ask Him, "Hey, God? What is the DEAL with this?!" Suddenly, I realized a crazy, completely insane truth: I needed to talk to Amanda, and I needed to do it soon. Being the stubborn human that I am, I spent three straight days checking facebook chat to see if she was online. She never was, and I thought that maybe I should just drop my weird thoughts of insanity. At the same time, though, I knew that I had to get the wrestling team out of my chest. One day in the library, I clicked on Amanda's profile, clicked the "send message" link, and then sat at the computer for a good 45 minutes writing a 4 sentence message that just said something along the lines of "I know this is weird, but you have been on my heart, and I'm praying you have a great day" or something along those lines. Even as I sent it, a feeling of dread came over me, just waiting for the humilitation of what I had just done.
But....humiliation did not come (after all, if it had, that wouldn't have been a very uplifting story, now would it?). I got a very quick reply that positively stunned me. She explained how it was funny that I messaged her, because she had been thinking of me, too, and had wanted to apologize for everything and become friends. So now we are having a facebook thread conversation about music therapy and life and so on and so forth. I don't necessarily know if we are friends in the loving-feel-good-tell-each-other-secrets kind of way, but I do know that suddenly, for the first time ever, I am at peace about being compared to her and being hurt in high school. I actually really like her now, and am happy that she is dating one of "my boys". I look forward to having a good aquaintanceship in our future.
God showed me, quite clearly, how beautiful things can be when I swallow my pride and let Him guide my actions with love. He whispered sweet peace to me.
Case Study Two:
Last school year, I became involved in a service organization called Natural Ties. This is a group that pairs college students with individuals affected by intellectual disabilities so that they can have a friend who takes them to planned social events. Since I am the only volunteer without a Greek-life affiliation, I was given my very own Tie (what we call our friends) named Annette Givens. Annette is a middle-aged woman severely affected by epilepsy and developmental disabilities. Our entire year last year was geared towards gaining her trust and getting to know about her life and how beautiful her personality is and how brightly her light shines. I was afraid to return after a summer apart, but my fears left as soon as I picked her up for our first event in August. She remembered me immediately, and all of the rapport we had built up remained as strong as it had been in May. I love this lady more than I could have ever imagined, and the highlight of my week is almost always Wednesday night Tie events.
Last Wednesday, though, I did NOT want to be a happy volunteer. It had been a hectic day, and I had a million things to do at home. To make things more annoying, our Ties event was watching the movie MegaMind. I felt put-out, thinking of how an event like a movie really did not require my presence. I was even contemplating skipping the next week of Ties and asking another volunteer to care for my Tie. I headed to Annette's house to pick her up, praying the whole way that God would soften my heart and give my volunteering pure intentions of my love for Annette. We went to the movie and truly had a great time. Annette and her boyfriend, Dan, kept us laughing through the whole movie as we got to see them witness the show in child-like wonder. After the movie was over, we parted ways with Dan, and I began talking with Annette about the movie:
"So, Annette: what was your favorite part of the movie?"
"I liked it when they fought."
"Me too! What was your favorite character?"
"The girl. Can I hold your hand?"
I stopped, slightly taken aback by this random input into the conversation.
"What was that?"
"Can I hold your hand? You're my best friend, and I want to know you're not going to leave me."
We held hands and walked out into the parking lot, where I helped her into the car and drove her back home just like every other Wednesday. This week, though, was different: After I walked her to her door, I returned to my truck and let the tears roll down my face as my stony heart melted. I determined to never skip a Ties meeting, ever. Annette won't have to worry about abandonment.
God used my beautiful friend to show me simple, child-like love in its truest form, even in a time when the actions of my heart were positively undeserving of love or kindness. He whispered sweet peace to me.
Case Study Three:
Music Theory is my mortal enemy. Seriously, it is on the same difficulty as Calculus, which I stupidly took in my senior year of high school and then had to practically sell my soul to scrape by with a B.
When I began Theory III this semester, I was discouraged by the fact that my professor was a 24 year old grad student who had never taught before in his life. I admit that the first few weeks of class, I was the kid sitting sullenly in the back, refusing to do any work and choosing instead to complain about his teaching skills and the work that I could not understand. But then, something in my heart and mind changed concerning school (which could be a whole separate Random. Thoughts. entry all together...). I decided to stop settling for mediocre and truly devote my time at college to learning all that I can stuff into my brain. I began going in for office hours to get help and began, for the first time ever, to learn music theory.
Even though he has never taught before, my professor is actually an excellent theory teacher. He has given me more mercy than I deserve, altering assignments to fit my abilities and giving me hours upon hours of tutoring outside of class. Honestly, it is way more grace than I deserve, especially considering my anger and idiocy from the beginning of the year. Last Thursday, I was (once again) getting assistance, this time on a musical analysis of an essay subject. Hearing myself talk was the craziest thing ever. Who would have ever thought I could actually hold a conversation with the words "dominant, enharmonic, modal mixture, etc" and actually make sense of it? I got a moment of comprehension that, "Wow! I actually know this stuff!" It was pretty crazy, but not as crazy as the next moment.
My teacher looked at me for a second before asking if he could be perfectly honest about something. I skeptically agreed, and he told me his story. He explained how he and his wife left everything in their home of West Virginia so that he could come to Kansas and get his doctorate in music theory. He had always had a dream to be a theory professor, so he took the GTA position. During the first few weeks of class, he came close to quitting, because no one really cared about the work he was doing. But then, I came along, and (he claims that) seeing me learn and become passionate about music as I understand more and more...well, apparently I caused him to make a life-decision to keep with his theory-professor dream and stay in school so that he can devote his life to helping other poor unfortunate, clueless souls like myself as they journey to discover the beauty and power of music.
Maybe theory is life-changing. Maybe it's not. But God used His light through me to encourage another soul to fulfill his life dream while also giving me encouragement to "do everything as if unto the Lord." He whispered sweet peace to me.
Case Study Four:
This one is more of a reflection on a blessing, but...
Friday afternoon, I hit the road for Stillwater, OK to see my bff Alyssa! This semester has been unusually fraught with emotional pain, mainly involving separation from people that I had grown up with. My heart has been hurting, and I needed to go see someone from my past who still loves me and loves to spend time with me, someone who wasn't related to me. After four hours of driving (and several adventures in lost-ness), I arrived at Alyssa's dorm for a friend weekend. During our time together, we didn't really do anything out of the ordinary, but spending time with her healed my heart-hurts. As I drove back to Kansas, I reflected on how one of the greatest blessings in my life is the realization that my shy "twin" from sophomore year, the girl that I wanted to befriend but who wouldn't say more than two words to me, is now my best friend in this world, my heart-sister, my fellow "Giant who hates pie", and my partner in miscreanism ;)
God answered my 16 year old prayers by giving me my best friend. This weekend, he used my same best friend to show me that, even though some friendships fade and hearts break, there truly are friends who last forever, who are "closer than a brother". He whispered sweet peace to me.
Case Study Five:
While I was in Stillwater, I stopped by to visit my cousin, Kyle. He is a little over a year younger than me, and is technically my second cousin (but who cares about specifics?). When we were younger, I HATED HIM SO MUCH. He was annoying, he was a boy, and (the most painful thing) he was always at MY grandma's house, taking up the time that I wanted desperately to spend with her. I never understood why I couldn't have my grandma to myself. My pawpaw would take me out and let me play in the old trucks while he and my Dad worked, and as a result, I always felt much closer to him than I did to my grandma. I remember she always told me that I would understand, someday, why Kyle was always around, but I didn't believe her. Both she and my pawpaw passed away when I was a sophomore in high school, one week apart. At the funerals, Kyle and I became friends. Our friendship grew even as we were apart in distance, and last May I drove a couple of hours from my parents' house to see his graduation.
The night of Hartshorne High 2010 graduation, Kyle and I jumped in his truck and went off for a drive that genuinely changed my life. We talked about our grandparents, and how much we missed them. We shared stories, we laughed and cried. Finally, he told me the truth about his constant presence in my childhood visits. I won't get into details, but basically his father has always been abusive and horrible. My grandparents saw it and took care of Kyle to protect him. Because of their influence, Kyle grew up loving God and is now a handsome, polite, Christian gentleman (I'm a little biased, haha).
As Kyle and I ate dinner on Saturday night, I couldn't help thinking about how happy my grandma would have been to see us having a civil dinner together, talking about life and enjoying each other's friendship. In a time of college where I am so unsure about so many things, the reminder of the legacy my grandparents left living on in Kyle and I filled my heart with peace, love, and joy. He whispered sweet peace to me.
Case Study Six:
My final point is one that is still in progress. See, I have an idea, and it's one that excites me to no end!
As I was driving back from Stillwater, God continued just covering me in peace and filling me to bursting with joy. I was so overwhelmed while driving, I called a few people just to tell them the awesome ideas I was getting, God-inspired. One plan would not leave my mind, and is still tormenting me to this day.
The longer I live, the more I develop a heart for girls and the things they go through. I cannot tell you how many times brokenhearted ladies have come to me, unsure of why they weren't good enough for such-and-such boy, or feeling brokenhearted from giving all to someone who didn't care, etc. I want to, someday, write a book for teenage girls about spiritual growth and accepting the beauty that God specifically created in them. I have the outline and everything! It's a terrifying thought, but I look forward to seeing where God leads this throughout my lifetime. In the meantime, I am going to start working on outreach programs for college girls.
Such as a Single Ladies Valentine's Day Party. The plan is to potentially borrow the church, make our own pizzas, watch Pride and Prejudice, and discuss the beauty of singleness and the beauty within each one of us. (Oh, and did I mention that another part of this is to potentially get single guys to deliver flowers to every girl at the party? Yeah, that's just for the fun of it :)
As I plan this party, I realize a beautiful truth. It's one in which the balm that God has been pouring on my wounded heart expands to cover my whole body with calming ease and reassurance. In the last blog I posted, I was brokenhearted and alone. Now I see that my state of singleness is currently a good thing, as God uses me to empathize with the other Valentine's Day Single Ladies. I am single, and I am okay with that.
Another beautiful truth that does not escape me is this: at a time in life where I have felt more unloved, abandoned, alone, and bitter than I ever have before....God has made clear to me how valuable I am in His eyes. How He loves me so much that His eyes sparkle when I walk into the room. How "He binds up the brokenhearted and heals their wounds" and gives pure joy to longing hearts. How purposeful my life is, because I am a work-in-progress that is being used by Him for His will. How positively cherished and beautiful I am, not on my own works, but because I belong to Him.
He has been faithful, He has been carrying me through, He will continue carrying me.
He whispers sweet peace to me.
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