The past few weeks have been pretty rough on the spiritual front. I've been struggling with discerning truth from fiction, and have generally just been very cynical and apathetic. When I sing worship songs or try to have quiet study time, I feel overwhelmed by weights of legalities and feelings that I am simply going through a man-made checklist, and I find my thoughts straying with more struggles and questions than I should be having from just a world of thinking. I've been clinging to what I believe and what I know to be true, even though I am not necessarily feeling anything.
Tonight, though... I turned on some Beatles "Rubber Soul". I started writing letters to my church family back home in regards to the mission trip I will be going on this summer. And those two combined to transport me in thought to Oklahoma, where I felt overwhelmed by the love that so many have poured into my life as I grew up there. Just thinking of my adopted church family reminded me of the legacy they have given me of love, support, grace, and faith in Christ. Listening to the Beatles reminded me of nights sitting at my dad's art table, and the grace and kindness that he and my mom raised me under that carries on even now. I may be 350 miles away from this nurturing environment, but the impact is carrying on, especially on nights like these that are surrounded by doubting moments and general worries.
I still have a long way to go before I'm "on the mountaintop" again. I still have a lot of things to work out and to let go of. But I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know that God will continue to carry me faithfully throughout my lifespan.
"Fear not, you are loved; it's a bottomless sea/Fear not of the days that haven't been seen/Lift up your head, all heavy in dream/Open starry eyes wide, a most beautiful scene"
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