Throughout my life, I have had different definitions of love. As a small child, "love" probably defined the emotion felt for my parents or my dog. In junior high/high school, "love" probably described the emotion felt for my best guy friends (or other crush at the time). In later high school, "love" probably described my friendships.
I've never realized how varied my definitions of love have been until recently. At the beginning of this semester, my life was overtaken by one of those "life-storms" in which everything you know gets tossed around and questioned. People that I would have once defined as Love were no longer necessarily...love. Suddenly, my heart was hurting like never before, and I questioned truth in every area of life. My heart began to heal in November, and I knew that the healing brought with it a feeling of gratitude, but I didn't know why.
On the first of December, I decided to begin a study of the gospels to really discover who Christ was, and how his transformation to humanity completely revolutionized all of history. I began in the book of John, since I had recently read Matthew, Mark, and Luke. Now, in all honesty, John is a little tricky to read. Most of my Bible is highlighted and underlined on every page, but John has few blemishes. The writing is so analytical, so beautiful, that sometimes meaning is difficult to discern. As I began to read, though, I determined to understand and get a glimpse at the man who was Jesus Christ.
Before beginning, I read my Bible's preface to the book. It explained how John wrote the chronicle as a testimony to Jesus's God-ness and humanity. He gathered first-hand accounts of interactions with this Man as a way to prove to Gentile and Jew alike that this Man really was the One He claimed to be.
I have read John multiple times, but I had never realized the background behind the book. Suddenly, I could not stop thinking about those eyewitness accounts as I read. Can you imagine actually seeing God in human form? Can you imagine walking beside Him, hearing Him laugh, and watching as He healed those around you?
Would I have liked Him? And--more importantly in my mind's pathway--would He like me?
After a week of reading John, I picked up the book Blue Like Jazz to finish the book for our Band Bible Study (If you haven't read it, I greatly encourage it!). The last chapter was entitled Jesus: The lines on His face, and reading it connected the thoughts I had hardly dared to think about the humanity of Christ and literally placed my thoughts directly on the page of the book.
I imagine what would happen if I was walking down Mass Street and saw Jesus sitting at a table outside of Chipotle. I just know in my heart that I would like Him from the start. He would ask me to come over, take a seat, share some chips and salsa, and then ask me to tell Him my life story. Because of my instinctive liking of Him, I would begin to tell Him EVERYTHING. I would start with all of the good things that have happened in my life and all the awesome things of which I have been a part. In my mind's eye, I can clearly see Him smiling along with me and rejoicing with me over all the victories that have occurred in my life. After we celebrated together, my monologue would taper down, and He would urge me to continue. I would shyly begin to tell Him all the dark parts of my life. He would sit quietly as I told Him all the times that my heart has been broken, all the times that I have been wronged or hurt or scared. Tears would be in my eyes as my hurting heart told of the wrongs encountered, but to my dismay, when I would look up, tears would be streaming down His face as well. He would reach out to hold me in His arms, and we would cry together. Once all my tears had been cried out, He would look into my eyes and ask me with a pained look if there were anything else He should know about my life. Ashamedly, I would have to tell Him of all the times that I had failed Him, all the times I had lashed out in anger, all the times I had spoken ill of another human being, all the times where I had chosen my sinful ways over His ideals for my life. I would look up in shame and see the pain etched on His face, and I would feel my heart ache as I realized that I was the one who had caused that pain. I would push my chair away from the table and turn to leave, but He would grab my hand and ask if He could now have a turn to talk? I would sit back down, wary of what He would say.
He would begin by telling me who He is. I can't even wrap my mind around this concept, so I can't even imagine what He would tell me. He would reveal His omnipotence, His omniscience. I would be in awe, unable to even remember the life-story I had told Him previously. He would then tell me of the ways in which He had always been walking by my side, guiding my every step and protecting me. He would tell me how He was the reason for the healing and peace I felt, and He was the One who was lavishing me in love and providing joy and purpose for my life. Then He would tell me that, in all these years of looking to find love and feeling as though I had to discover it.....all this time, He was love. And He had been there from the second I was created.
Ever since I began envisioning this conversation with Jesus, my heart has been breaking with longing--not for another human being, but for my Savior. In Blue Like Jazz, Don Miller states"I think the most important thing that happens within Christian spirituality is when a person falls in love with Jesus." For most of my life, I have claimed to love Jesus. But now.....I am in love.
And when you love someone, it makes all the difference. My heart longs to see Him face-to-face, and I am left breathless as I think about how much greater His love is for me.
This is what love looks like.
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