Last semester, there was only one thing I knew for certain: I had to get to Oklahoma, and I had to get there as soon as I possibly could. I'm not one to experience homesickness, but the desire I felt in my heart for Purcell, OK, was so strong that even in February I was ready to throw in the towel and run as fast as I could to home and family. Purcell literally became something of dreams; personifying the deep longing in my heart that could never be cured by the scenery of Kansas. There was only one thing about Purcell that I was not anticipating: returning to Sunray Baptist Church, where I had attended since I was 4, and worshipping there 3 times a week for the entire summer. Oh sure, there was a time when I had proudly sponsored the phrase "I LOVE MY CHURCH!" and had looked forward to church time like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. But even then, I only looked forward to church to see all my adopted family members, not so that I could worship my Savior. In fact, most of the time the sermons seemed to go over my head. When I left for college two years ago, I was very open about how ready I was to go to a church that was "more modern, bigger, and less closed-minded".
Immediately after moving to Lawrence, I found a church that fit my new dreams. Everything was fine for the first year and a half of my college career. But this past semester, as I began to feel pangs of homesickness, I began to feel uncomfortable, deep inside, every time I went to church. I know, it sounds stupid. But I would sit in the audience and think of how simple and limited some of the worship songs were in comparison to the beautiful poetry of hymns. I would listen to the sermon and think about the days where I would be sitting in the pink pews of home. I would look at my fellow churchgoers, realize that I knew next to none of them and that they really didn't care to know me, and think about a little tiny church where I was literally surrounded with love and attacked with hugs, even when I wasn't feeling too kindly to the typical insanities associated with my fellow church members. I began feeling as though my worship was superficial, and I was just another person trying to be a typical "American Christian", one who thinks Jesus sounds nice, but doesn't really want to serve Him wholeheartedly ALL the time. (Please, if you are reading this and you are from my church in Lawrence, do not take offense. These are just my observations, and God has some crazy ways of revealing Himself to us when we are being stubborn)
I got through the semester, and as soon as I was able, I packed up all that I needed for 3 months away and sped as fast as I could to my beloved hometown. I have already touched a little on the miracle of home in another blog, and since this is about church, not Purcell, I will skip over the details. The next part of our story begins 3 days after I arrived in Oklahoma, on my first Sunday back at Sunray. I found myself wary of everyone, not really knowing where I fit into this group of people. In addition to this 'outsider-fear', I was dealing with some personal battles and felt a sense of dread thinking about having to be in this church all summer long. I missed the next Sunday due to a concert, but then our story begins again on June 12, the day before VBS. I had been volunteered to help with VBS, being the assistant to Donna Stillwell, who was the teacher for all the groups. Now, Donna has been in my life for about 13 years now, and in all that time, I never really knew what to think. I mean, she's an awesome woman, but I just really didn't know how to take her or how to act around her, for lack of a better explanation. Needless to say, I was wary of VBS and how it would all go. I was wary of being at church. Most of all, I was tired of feeling cold and uncaring, and I just wanted God to swoop down and save the day by melting my stubborn, unfeeling heart.
June 12, night service. Dennis's sermon might have been the best sermon I have heard in my entire life. I wrote 4 pages of notes. It was based on Ephesians 2:-8-10 and was all about being used by God for His purpose and glory. And I don't know how it started, but during the invitation when my Dad went up to begin the song, I just started feeling a pang in my heart, and my eyes began to leak and I just felt as though I could wrap the entire church in a hug. After the service, my Mom noticed my tears and asked me about it. I could barely reply, just saying that I had finally come home. I originally claimed that as the night where I fell back in love with church, but now I see it was more than that. That was the night where God took away my bitterness, apathy, fear, and doubts, and filled me with worship for Him, no matter my circumstances. He gave me freedom from the world and put a new song in my heart. The way this event connected to church? I fear that I was blaming Sunray for all the discontent I would have when having problems worshipping. That night, I felt free, and my worship began to flow naturally and freely from my deepest heart. But even though I was completely free and worshipping with a joyful heart, I was still having a hard time defining what I was feeling in concerns to Sunray.
Enter VBS. Pandamania, where God is WILD about you! I can't even explain if I tried. I truly feel as though I got more out of that week than the kids attending. Everyone was challenged to report "God-sightings", or events/people that made you stop and worship God. At the end of each day, I literally had full pages of God-sightings. Everything around me was a cause for worship, and every experience had me singing in joy. Through the whole week, one of my God-sightings remained consistent, and it was in the form of my VBS leader, Donna. I guess at this point, I should explain Donna a little bit more. When I was 13, our youth minister assigned each member of the youth group to a "prayer partner", AKA an older person in the church who would act as a mentor and would meet weekly with students to pray with them and for them. My two best friends got placed with a nice little elderly couple. I got placed with Donna. It made no sense to me back then--I mean, I was kinda one of the boys. Donna wore hats to church and liked the color pink. I remember during the first few years of our prayer meetings, I would stare off into space and hope that our meeting would hurry up so that I could get out of there. As I got nearer to college, I was less disrespectful, and I actually grew to like Donna!--but that was about it. So the events of VBS blew my mind. With my newly-revived heart, I saw Donna as I never had before. I saw how gracious she was towards all those around her, how hard-working she was even when she was in pain, how kind and non-judgmental she was even when I would mess up our props, how fun-loving she was as we shared stories and jokes, and, most importantly, how deeply and passionately she was in love with Christ and how beautiful her heart truly was. By Wednesday night, I went home and just cried, so grateful that she had loved and prayed over me for 13 years of my life, even though I had only seen how much she meant to me in the course of 3 days. I finally realized why we had been paired up so long ago. I realized that, in Donna, I had a true friend and a wonderful example of how to live a Godly life.
So when I came to VBS on Thursday, I decided to open up and try to explain the things that were on my heart concerning this new found love of Sunray. I told her how, suddenly, the sermons were so perfectly clear, the music so worshippful, the members so genuine in their love for others. It was all beautiful, but I was concerned that I was just getting emotional. She listened to my rambles before telling me her own story of coming to Sunray. Apparently she had visited several times, but found the church to be cold and unwelcoming. After trying every possible church in the area, her husband asked to visit Sunray one more time.
"On that visit...it was just like coming home. Everything had changed, but I think it was more that God had changed me. In His timing, He led me to worship here. And, to put it simply, it was like I found my heart."
And, to put it simply, I can think of no better way to describe my experience other than that "I found my heart". God has blessed me throughout my lifetime by the worshipful, God-fearing atmosphere of Sunray and by the people who worship there, but He had to change my heart so that I could appreciate the blessing and truly see things for what they are. I am grateful. Humbled. Amazed. Surrounded by more love than I could ever contain. Joyous. Giving. And more worshippful than I have been in a long time.
So I don't know where this story took you, or if it even made sense to anyone but me. Just take it as an account from a girl who has found a new way to be human, an old sense of love, a renewed heart of worship, and has found her heart, after losing her way for a long time.
This is beautiful.
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