Missing You

Saturday, 12/11/10

Thank You for this morning, for my warm bed as the wind rages outside...thank You for giving me a fresh perspective on an old Bible story yesterday that stayed with me all day. I finished John, and reading made me really sympathetic with the disciples. They were probably just teenagers when called--young and curious about the new adventures presented by this Rabbi Jesus...so they followed. Did they know how drastically their lives would change? Did they fully realize the cost of following? Did they expect to fall passionately in love with their Teacher as they realized more and more how He truly was "I AM", Messiah, and the One who had breathed life into their souls and formed them deep enough to dream? In several instances of the Bible, various disciples have "aha" moments where their vision is made a little clearer as they discern more about their Beloved. (What a wonderful concept! Please continue filling my life with those "aha" moments; may Your wonders never cease!)

The part of John that really broke my heart for the disciples came after the crucifixion. I can't imagine their devastation as everything they believed in came crumbling down at a time when their lives were most endangered. On the opposite side, I can't imagine how close-to-bursting they felt when the veil was finally lifted from their understanding and they saw the resurrected Christ in their midst. How joyful the would be to see Him throughout the next month and feel complete adoration for their friend as He spoke their names, ate breakfast with them, laughed with the,...

Then, I think of Jesus ascending. What a bittersweet moment for the disciples! They got to see Him fulfilling all He had promised, but...I feel as though His absence would have broken their hearts, filled their very souls with longing. The One they loved had returned to heaven, and though they knew He was living, they must have had the most severe case of homesickness ever known to humanity as they desired the presence of their Teacher and the yet-unseen face of the Father...

Just imagining their homesickness breaks my heart and makes me absolutely desperate to see Your face. I know You are here with me, but when do I get to be with You? I know that this homesickness I feel is Your way of telling me this world is not where I belong, and that You have a better place for me. Until the day I can be there with You, keep my homesickness alive, and help me to fall more deeply in love with You as You reveal Yourself more and more to my heart...

What Love Looks Like

Throughout my life, I have had different definitions of love. As a small child, "love" probably defined the emotion felt for my parents or my dog. In junior high/high school, "love" probably described the emotion felt for my best guy friends (or other crush at the time). In later high school, "love" probably described my friendships.

I've never realized how varied my definitions of love have been until recently. At the beginning of this semester, my life was overtaken by one of those "life-storms" in which everything you know gets tossed around and questioned. People that I would have once defined as Love were no longer necessarily...love. Suddenly, my heart was hurting like never before, and I questioned truth in every area of life. My heart began to heal in November, and I knew that the healing brought with it a feeling of gratitude, but I didn't know why.

On the first of December, I decided to begin a study of the gospels to really discover who Christ was, and how his transformation to humanity completely revolutionized all of history. I began in the book of John, since I had recently read Matthew, Mark, and Luke. Now, in all honesty, John is a little tricky to read. Most of my Bible is highlighted and underlined on every page, but John has few blemishes. The writing is so analytical, so beautiful, that sometimes meaning is difficult to discern. As I began to read, though, I determined to understand and get a glimpse at the man who was Jesus Christ.

Before beginning, I read my Bible's preface to the book. It explained how John wrote the chronicle as a testimony to Jesus's God-ness and humanity. He gathered first-hand accounts of interactions with this Man as a way to prove to Gentile and Jew alike that this Man really was the One He claimed to be.

I have read John multiple times, but I had never realized the background behind the book. Suddenly, I could not stop thinking about those eyewitness accounts as I read. Can you imagine actually seeing God in human form? Can you imagine walking beside Him, hearing Him laugh, and watching as He healed those around you?

Would I have liked Him? And--more importantly in my mind's pathway--would He like me?

After a week of reading John, I picked up the book Blue Like Jazz to finish the book for our Band Bible Study (If you haven't read it, I greatly encourage it!). The last chapter was entitled Jesus: The lines on His face, and reading it connected the thoughts I had hardly dared to think about the humanity of Christ and literally placed my thoughts directly on the page of the book.

I imagine what would happen if I was walking down Mass Street and saw Jesus sitting at a table outside of Chipotle. I just know in my heart that I would like Him from the start. He would ask me to come over, take a seat, share some chips and salsa, and then ask me to tell Him my life story. Because of my instinctive liking of Him, I would begin to tell Him EVERYTHING. I would start with all of the good things that have happened in my life and all the awesome things of which I have been a part. In my mind's eye, I can clearly see Him smiling along with me and rejoicing with me over all the victories that have occurred in my life. After we celebrated together, my monologue would taper down, and He would urge me to continue. I would shyly begin to tell Him all the dark parts of my life. He would sit quietly as I told Him all the times that my heart has been broken, all the times that I have been wronged or hurt or scared. Tears would be in my eyes as my hurting heart told of the wrongs encountered, but to my dismay, when I would look up, tears would be streaming down His face as well. He would reach out to hold me in His arms, and we would cry together. Once all my tears had been cried out, He would look into my eyes and ask me with a pained look if there were anything else He should know about my life. Ashamedly, I would have to tell Him of all the times that I had failed Him, all the times I had lashed out in anger, all the times I had spoken ill of another human being, all the times where I had chosen my sinful ways over His ideals for my life. I would look up in shame and see the pain etched on His face, and I would feel my heart ache as I realized that I was the one who had caused that pain. I would push my chair away from the table and turn to leave, but He would grab my hand and ask if He could now have a turn to talk? I would sit back down, wary of what He would say.

He would begin by telling me who He is. I can't even wrap my mind around this concept, so I can't even imagine what He would tell me. He would reveal His omnipotence, His omniscience. I would be in awe, unable to even remember the life-story I had told Him previously. He would then tell me of the ways in which He had always been walking by my side, guiding my every step and protecting me. He would tell me how He was the reason for the healing and peace I felt, and He was the One who was lavishing me in love and providing joy and purpose for my life. Then He would tell me that, in all these years of looking to find love and feeling as though I had to discover it.....all this time, He was love. And He had been there from the second I was created.

Ever since I began envisioning this conversation with Jesus, my heart has been breaking with longing--not for another human being, but for my Savior. In Blue Like Jazz, Don Miller states"I think the most important thing that happens within Christian spirituality is when a person falls in love with Jesus." For most of my life, I have claimed to love Jesus. But now.....I am in love.

And when you love someone, it makes all the difference. My heart longs to see Him face-to-face, and I am left breathless as I think about how much greater His love is for me.

This is what love looks like.

And I Wouldn't Change a Thing...

Tonight, I attended the Hanging of the Green at my church here in Lawrence, FSBC. This is a tradition in which the church family gets together on the first Sunday night of December to enjoy each other's company and decorate the sanctuary as we prepare our hearts for the Christmas season. It's a little bit cheesy, but I have loved it both years that I have attended. There's just something about the songs describing the simplistic arrival of the Savior of the world sung amongst fellow believers that makes my heart melt in gratitude and praise.

As I sat in the audience tonight, my heart traveled down many pathways of thought as I became still and let God fill my mind with His awesomeness. I thought back to where I was this time last year, and how different my life is from what I thought it would be even a year ago. So many times in my life, I have firmly believed that I had my entire life planned out, but God always has plans far greater than my own. In this past year, I have been challenged in my beliefs more than I ever believed possible. I lost many dear friendships that I had put too much faith into. I discovered the bad-parts of me, my faults and fears, and had to face them and learn to be better at this whole "human" thing.

Yet, I wouldn't change a thing. This year has shown me more than ever before how true and perfect God's love is for me. He just keeps showing me more and more just how much He loves me, and is constantly just filling my heart and soul with more grace and joy than I could ever fathom. Looking back at this emotionally-rough year, I praise God for all the storms. During the showers, I figured out exactly who I am, and I discovered how great my God is, and how great His love is, even for someone like me.

And that makes all the bumps along the way completely worth it.

One Year of Gratitude--November

On November 1st, I began a project entitled "One Year of Gratitude". Every day of the year (11/1/10--11/1/11), I am going to post something from the day that turned my heart towards worshipping my Heavenly Father. One month down, 11 to go! It's been an amazing journey already as I have been actively seeking God's heart and seeing Him move within my life. Join me as I grow throughout this year in grace, joy, peace and love!

(Some dates posted have multiple points due to a church project of gratitude)

November 1:
First truly cold day of the season!

November 2:
Today while doing theory homework, I was flooded with the knowledge that my anger and hurt were gone and that I could be content with Tyler's friendship. Thankful for a peace that could only come from God!

November 3:
Reading the crucifixion account of Luke early in the morning and being reminded of the price at which I was bought

November 4:
Passion and hope for my career in music therapy

November 5:
Serving Lawrence's homeless population breakfast this morning and hearing their stories while working with my sisters-in-Christ

November 6:
Good weather and a Jayhawk victory, 52-45!

November 7:
Closure on my short time with Tyler. I hurt, but I'm at peace knowing I've said my part and have a clear conscience.

November 8:
Bethany is such a beautiful friend and Miller Maid to turn my bad day around with plain M&Ms and love :)

November 9:
Conviction to talk with Amanda King, and consequently finding peace over a long-time feud (with potential friendship for the future)

November 10:
Having Annette as my Natural Ties friend and receiving her child-like, pure love through hand-holding

November 11:
Having teachers like Mr. Powell who actually care about my learning and help me understand

November 12:
Having my best friend, Ron, in my life and getting the chance to come visit her for the weekend

November 13:
The legacy my grandparents left behind and the friendship Kyle and I have formed because of them

November 14:
1.)Being able to laugh with and love my roomie after two bad previous living situations
2.)The support of my church family at FSBC
3.) The weird friendship Drew and I have (that doesn't rely on pudding preferences!)

November 15:
1.)Starting a crazy week with great productivity
2.)A chance to read and relax
3.)Succeeding at choral clinic warm-up

November 16:
1.)Relief at CKI stress fading and hope for our club returning to my heart
2.) Kelsie, with her love and hospitality for our Bible study
3.) My mom praying for my day to improve over the phone

November 17:
1.)Having wonderful Mello friends and finally feeling like I belong
2.)Ability to play guitar and worship freely
3.)God-honoring music like "What Can I Do?" by Paul Baloche

November 18:
1.)Spending time with Nicole and her friends at Harry Potter 7
2.)Warm clothes
3.)Cold medicine!

November 19:
1.)Seeing my parents and having a basketball "Parent Date" with the Linvilles
2.)My parents' strong foundation of morality
3.)Unexpected friendships

November 20:
1.)Friendship with Kim that I would have never expected
2.)Legacies and friendships of the Marchign Jayhawks
3.)Getting to watch football with my Dad

November 21:
1.)Friends who look out for my when I'm sick
2.)Worshipping with my family and roommate
3.)Beautiful sunset with cold clouds rolling in

November 22:
1.)Feeling better!!!
2.)Getting caught up on sleep and theory
3.)The gift and wonder of new music

November 23:
1.)The love and sisterhood shared between Alyssa, Kristin, Shannon, and me, and getting a night to share with them <3
2.)Loving my cat, Georgie
3.)Having a full heart and knowing that I wouldn't change a thing :)

November 24:
1.)Spending the day with my family in Norman
2.)Making peace again with Noah and Tyler
3.)Getting my Daddy's chicken and potatoes!

November 25:
1.)Starting Thanksgiving early in the morning with prayer and the Psalms
2.)Holiday traditions with the family
3.)A day of gratitude from all

November 26:
1.)Time in KC with my friends
2.)Safe travels back to Kansas
3.)Talking with Carisa on the bus ride

November 27:
1.)In KC: The best day ever with "The three best friends that anyone can have!"
2.)Getting to talk in depth with a KCMO bus driver
3.)Discussing beauty with my beautiful friend Bethany :)

November 28:
1.)Getting a good start on my therapy session
2.)Nicole is back home! :D
3.)Most beautiful orange and pink sky this afternoon

November 29:
1.)An evening of roommate-ness (aka guitar case destruction and sign language)
2.)A beautiful, peaceful day
3.)Feeling calm about all the work I have to do this week

November 30:
1.)Seeing my friend grow in grace and joy :)
2.)Faithfulness of my friend, Gabby
3.)Unexplainable peace, joy, and happiness that is flooding my heart and showing me that I am walking with the One who created me :)

He Whispers Sweet Peace to Me

For those of you who actually read my blog, I apologize for the negative feeling of my last post. I was in a time of intense hurt and doubt when it was written, but, amazingly, healing has been occurring in large doeses. These past few weeks, I have been seeking the heart of my Father above all else, and the results are amazing. Every single day of last week, there were very distinct occurrences that left no doubt in my mind of my Father's love for me; even in this week, I am being reminded again and again of how cherished I am in the eyes of my Creator. It's like all of heaven is smiling down on me, and I can feel God cradling me in His hands and lavishing me in more love than I can ever imagine, covering my wounded heart with the balm of His peace and grace.

I don't really know how to explain this feeling to you, so I am going to give you a little peek into the events that have been transpiring.

Case Study One:

Once upon a time in the wonderful land of high school, I had an archnemesis. Go ahead and laugh, but I knew it was true in my heart. Her name was Amanda, and she was tiny and funny and popular and everything-I-was-not-in-my-sophomore-and-junior-years. To make matters even worse, she and her best friend were really quite mean through our years of band together, and the majority of my high school tears found their root in Amanda and her friend. Oh, and did I mention she was dating one of my best guy friends? Yeah...

Since she was a grade above me, I said an enthusiastic "good riddance" in 2008 and have barely thought of her since. I mean, yeah, things often got awkward when I would spend time with my friend and hear him talk about how much he loved his girlfriend, but I just ignored the "something-is-not-right" twinge that I felt inside and went about my merry way. Now that I don't see him daily, I hadn't even heard of or from Amanda in some time, and I honestly kinda forgot all about her.

Then, something crazy happened. Mid-October, I began thinking about Amanda. And it wasn't just a random, one-time deal. I was thinking about her every single day, wondering how life was treating her, and since she was on my mind, she began crossing my prayers: occassionally at first, and then more and more often. I hated it. Every time I thought of her and prayed for her to have a good day, I felt as though I was losing a wrestling match inside of my heart. I would get an uncomfortable feeling and get a very crabby demeanor if people were around at the time. I began to seek God and ask Him, "Hey, God? What is the DEAL with this?!" Suddenly, I realized a crazy, completely insane truth: I needed to talk to Amanda, and I needed to do it soon. Being the stubborn human that I am, I spent three straight days checking facebook chat to see if she was online. She never was, and I thought that maybe I should just drop my weird thoughts of insanity. At the same time, though, I knew that I had to get the wrestling team out of my chest. One day in the library, I clicked on Amanda's profile, clicked the "send message" link, and then sat at the computer for a good 45 minutes writing a 4 sentence message that just said something along the lines of "I know this is weird, but you have been on my heart, and I'm praying you have a great day" or something along those lines. Even as I sent it, a feeling of dread came over me, just waiting for the humilitation of what I had just done.

But....humiliation did not come (after all, if it had, that wouldn't have been a very uplifting story, now would it?). I got a very quick reply that positively stunned me. She explained how it was funny that I messaged her, because she had been thinking of me, too, and had wanted to apologize for everything and become friends. So now we are having a facebook thread conversation about music therapy and life and so on and so forth. I don't necessarily know if we are friends in the loving-feel-good-tell-each-other-secrets kind of way, but I do know that suddenly, for the first time ever, I am at peace about being compared to her and being hurt in high school. I actually really like her now, and am happy that she is dating one of "my boys". I look forward to having a good aquaintanceship in our future.

God showed me, quite clearly, how beautiful things can be when I swallow my pride and let Him guide my actions with love. He whispered sweet peace to me.

Case Study Two:

Last school year, I became involved in a service organization called Natural Ties. This is a group that pairs college students with individuals affected by intellectual disabilities so that they can have a friend who takes them to planned social events. Since I am the only volunteer without a Greek-life affiliation, I was given my very own Tie (what we call our friends) named Annette Givens. Annette is a middle-aged woman severely affected by epilepsy and developmental disabilities. Our entire year last year was geared towards gaining her trust and getting to know about her life and how beautiful her personality is and how brightly her light shines. I was afraid to return after a summer apart, but my fears left as soon as I picked her up for our first event in August. She remembered me immediately, and all of the rapport we had built up remained as strong as it had been in May. I love this lady more than I could have ever imagined, and the highlight of my week is almost always Wednesday night Tie events.

Last Wednesday, though, I did NOT want to be a happy volunteer. It had been a hectic day, and I had a million things to do at home. To make things more annoying, our Ties event was watching the movie MegaMind. I felt put-out, thinking of how an event like a movie really did not require my presence. I was even contemplating skipping the next week of Ties and asking another volunteer to care for my Tie. I headed to Annette's house to pick her up, praying the whole way that God would soften my heart and give my volunteering pure intentions of my love for Annette. We went to the movie and truly had a great time. Annette and her boyfriend, Dan, kept us laughing through the whole movie as we got to see them witness the show in child-like wonder. After the movie was over, we parted ways with Dan, and I began talking with Annette about the movie:

"So, Annette: what was your favorite part of the movie?"

"I liked it when they fought."

"Me too! What was your favorite character?"

"The girl. Can I hold your hand?"

I stopped, slightly taken aback by this random input into the conversation.

"What was that?"

"Can I hold your hand? You're my best friend, and I want to know you're not going to leave me."

We held hands and walked out into the parking lot, where I helped her into the car and drove her back home just like every other Wednesday. This week, though, was different: After I walked her to her door, I returned to my truck and let the tears roll down my face as my stony heart melted. I determined to never skip a Ties meeting, ever. Annette won't have to worry about abandonment.

God used my beautiful friend to show me simple, child-like love in its truest form, even in a time when the actions of my heart were positively undeserving of love or kindness. He whispered sweet peace to me.

Case Study Three:

Music Theory is my mortal enemy. Seriously, it is on the same difficulty as Calculus, which I stupidly took in my senior year of high school and then had to practically sell my soul to scrape by with a B.

When I began Theory III this semester, I was discouraged by the fact that my professor was a 24 year old grad student who had never taught before in his life. I admit that the first few weeks of class, I was the kid sitting sullenly in the back, refusing to do any work and choosing instead to complain about his teaching skills and the work that I could not understand. But then, something in my heart and mind changed concerning school (which could be a whole separate Random. Thoughts. entry all together...). I decided to stop settling for mediocre and truly devote my time at college to learning all that I can stuff into my brain. I began going in for office hours to get help and began, for the first time ever, to learn music theory.

Even though he has never taught before, my professor is actually an excellent theory teacher. He has given me more mercy than I deserve, altering assignments to fit my abilities and giving me hours upon hours of tutoring outside of class. Honestly, it is way more grace than I deserve, especially considering my anger and idiocy from the beginning of the year. Last Thursday, I was (once again) getting assistance, this time on a musical analysis of an essay subject. Hearing myself talk was the craziest thing ever. Who would have ever thought I could actually hold a conversation with the words "dominant, enharmonic, modal mixture, etc" and actually make sense of it? I got a moment of comprehension that, "Wow! I actually know this stuff!" It was pretty crazy, but not as crazy as the next moment.

My teacher looked at me for a second before asking if he could be perfectly honest about something. I skeptically agreed, and he told me his story. He explained how he and his wife left everything in their home of West Virginia so that he could come to Kansas and get his doctorate in music theory. He had always had a dream to be a theory professor, so he took the GTA position. During the first few weeks of class, he came close to quitting, because no one really cared about the work he was doing. But then, I came along, and (he claims that) seeing me learn and become passionate about music as I understand more and more...well, apparently I caused him to make a life-decision to keep with his theory-professor dream and stay in school so that he can devote his life to helping other poor unfortunate, clueless souls like myself as they journey to discover the beauty and power of music.

Maybe theory is life-changing. Maybe it's not. But God used His light through me to encourage another soul to fulfill his life dream while also giving me encouragement to "do everything as if unto the Lord." He whispered sweet peace to me.

Case Study Four:

This one is more of a reflection on a blessing, but...

Friday afternoon, I hit the road for Stillwater, OK to see my bff Alyssa! This semester has been unusually fraught with emotional pain, mainly involving separation from people that I had grown up with. My heart has been hurting, and I needed to go see someone from my past who still loves me and loves to spend time with me, someone who wasn't related to me. After four hours of driving (and several adventures in lost-ness), I arrived at Alyssa's dorm for a friend weekend. During our time together, we didn't really do anything out of the ordinary, but spending time with her healed my heart-hurts. As I drove back to Kansas, I reflected on how one of the greatest blessings in my life is the realization that my shy "twin" from sophomore year, the girl that I wanted to befriend but who wouldn't say more than two words to me, is now my best friend in this world, my heart-sister, my fellow "Giant who hates pie", and my partner in miscreanism ;)

God answered my 16 year old prayers by giving me my best friend. This weekend, he used my same best friend to show me that, even though some friendships fade and hearts break, there truly are friends who last forever, who are "closer than a brother". He whispered sweet peace to me.

Case Study Five:

While I was in Stillwater, I stopped by to visit my cousin, Kyle. He is a little over a year younger than me, and is technically my second cousin (but who cares about specifics?). When we were younger, I HATED HIM SO MUCH. He was annoying, he was a boy, and (the most painful thing) he was always at MY grandma's house, taking up the time that I wanted desperately to spend with her. I never understood why I couldn't have my grandma to myself. My pawpaw would take me out and let me play in the old trucks while he and my Dad worked, and as a result, I always felt much closer to him than I did to my grandma. I remember she always told me that I would understand, someday, why Kyle was always around, but I didn't believe her. Both she and my pawpaw passed away when I was a sophomore in high school, one week apart. At the funerals, Kyle and I became friends. Our friendship grew even as we were apart in distance, and last May I drove a couple of hours from my parents' house to see his graduation.

The night of Hartshorne High 2010 graduation, Kyle and I jumped in his truck and went off for a drive that genuinely changed my life. We talked about our grandparents, and how much we missed them. We shared stories, we laughed and cried. Finally, he told me the truth about his constant presence in my childhood visits. I won't get into details, but basically his father has always been abusive and horrible. My grandparents saw it and took care of Kyle to protect him. Because of their influence, Kyle grew up loving God and is now a handsome, polite, Christian gentleman (I'm a little biased, haha).

As Kyle and I ate dinner on Saturday night, I couldn't help thinking about how happy my grandma would have been to see us having a civil dinner together, talking about life and enjoying each other's friendship. In a time of college where I am so unsure about so many things, the reminder of the legacy my grandparents left living on in Kyle and I filled my heart with peace, love, and joy. He whispered sweet peace to me.

Case Study Six:

My final point is one that is still in progress. See, I have an idea, and it's one that excites me to no end!

As I was driving back from Stillwater, God continued just covering me in peace and filling me to bursting with joy. I was so overwhelmed while driving, I called a few people just to tell them the awesome ideas I was getting, God-inspired. One plan would not leave my mind, and is still tormenting me to this day.

The longer I live, the more I develop a heart for girls and the things they go through. I cannot tell you how many times brokenhearted ladies have come to me, unsure of why they weren't good enough for such-and-such boy, or feeling brokenhearted from giving all to someone who didn't care, etc. I want to, someday, write a book for teenage girls about spiritual growth and accepting the beauty that God specifically created in them. I have the outline and everything! It's a terrifying thought, but I look forward to seeing where God leads this throughout my lifetime. In the meantime, I am going to start working on outreach programs for college girls.

Such as a Single Ladies Valentine's Day Party. The plan is to potentially borrow the church, make our own pizzas, watch Pride and Prejudice, and discuss the beauty of singleness and the beauty within each one of us. (Oh, and did I mention that another part of this is to potentially get single guys to deliver flowers to every girl at the party? Yeah, that's just for the fun of it :)

As I plan this party, I realize a beautiful truth. It's one in which the balm that God has been pouring on my wounded heart expands to cover my whole body with calming ease and reassurance. In the last blog I posted, I was brokenhearted and alone. Now I see that my state of singleness is currently a good thing, as God uses me to empathize with the other Valentine's Day Single Ladies. I am single, and I am okay with that.

Another beautiful truth that does not escape me is this: at a time in life where I have felt more unloved, abandoned, alone, and bitter than I ever have before....God has made clear to me how valuable I am in His eyes. How He loves me so much that His eyes sparkle when I walk into the room. How "He binds up the brokenhearted and heals their wounds" and gives pure joy to longing hearts. How purposeful my life is, because I am a work-in-progress that is being used by Him for His will. How positively cherished and beautiful I am, not on my own works, but because I belong to Him.

He has been faithful, He has been carrying me through, He will continue carrying me.

He whispers sweet peace to me.

Lose Again

Here's a blog that I am going to write to get thoughts out of my mind. I am going to be incredibly candid, and since nobody really reads my blog anyways, I am fine with showing my heart on my sleeve.

What happens when the song ends, but the ear longs for more to be played? What happens when the game is suddenly over with 3 seconds left till the buzzer? What happens when the storybook ending turns sour?

Since last May, I have been part of a whirlwind story that I could scarcely believe myself. It was one of those that could easily have made it into the movies, a love story that was so unbelievable that it had to be true. After years of praying and waiting for God to bring my future husband and I together, my love story was finally coming together, as a boy with the same standards and same type of heart as my own began to fall in love with God at the center of our story. Everything was perfect. I loved him, all of my mentors approved and loved him, and I fell asleep every night in disbelief that my crazy prayers might actually be coming true.

But then, we stopped talking. It wasn't for lack of trying. My heart began to feel unsteady, wondering why this perfectly crafted story was suddenly silent. My unsteady heart began to break as the guy angrily texted, telling me that I was the problem, that I was the one causing pain. I struggled with my thoughts for a week, praying that if I was to blame, that God would reveal my fault to my heart so that I could right things. No matter how hard I prayed, I felt no guilt. I came to the conclusion that my conscious was clear--and suddenly peace like no other flooded my soul. I didn't need him in my life; God would be my husband in my times of singleness.

Then, tonight. I haven't been hurting, or even thinking about him since the peace covered my aching, battered heart. But tonight, I got a text from him, telling me that God had told him that I was going to marry someone better and that we could only be friends, because I was too good for him. I told him how much he had hurt me, and how he should have never told me he loved me if he didn't mean it. Hearts are very vulnerable, you know, especially when they are loving someone whom they had been unable to get over for the past 9 or so years. He just kept saying that I was going to marry someone perfect and that he still loved me, but only as a friend and never anything else.

The weird thing is, I am ok with him recanting his love for me. It actually calms my weary head and gives me a peace in which I don't have to keep questioning what's going on in his head. The problem is that other issues arise with this latest conversation, issues which I don't have the solutions to at this moment. Questions of doubt, such as:

Can I really trust him again, after he has treated my heart so poorly? Why did I expect this time to be different, when all of my hurts in life can point back to him over the years? Can I ever be "just friends" with him, or do I have to permanently remove him from my life, as my parents are now desiring? Why did he tell me he loved me if he didn't mean it? Is there actually someone better out there for me, or is this God's way of telling me that the life He desires for me is one of purposeful singleness? If God is calling me to singleness, will I be able to spend the rest of my life without the hope of falling in love? Why did this story go so wrong when I had such a peace about it? And most importantly...why is my heart broken, when I was so careful to follow God's plans and let Him carry my heart to sing a sweeter song?

I apologize for the negativity of this post. I will go to sleep tonight and wake up in the morning, fully refreshed and not angry or hurt at all. God is doing some amazing things in my life, and every single day, I look forward to the new things that He will reveal to me in the day. I guess this is just one of those potholes in the road of life, in which God will use my hurt and weariness to create an even more beautiful story from my love. Praise Him for His mercies and His love, even on my most unlovable days.

Touch

When I decided to write this blog, I knew that it would be difficult to express the thoughts rattling around in my brain without sounding completely insane. After a long time contemplating, I realized that no matter how eloquently I explained myself, I will still come across as someone who is completely insane. So....here goes.





This summer I started watching the tv show LOST (Before everybody starts commenting on this telling me spoilers, I have yet to finish the show, keep your opinions and thoughts on it to yourself!). This weekend, I watched the season five finale, meaning that I only have one more season to complete before I can join the ranks of people who have seen all of the show. I fully expected to watch this episode, allow my mind to get completely boggled, and then carry on with my quest to find Season Six. Instead, God spoke to my heart during the episode and presented a new concept in my mind through an event of the episode.

In the beginning of the episode, we finally see Jacob: a timeless character who seems to simply observe all the goings on of the island. As the episode progressed, different flashbacks of each character's life were shown. Each flashback featured a significant, life-altering event in the individual character, and, in each event...Jacob was present.

As a disclaimer before I explain further, I have not finished the show. For all I know, the character that I am discussing could turn out to be a monster or an alien or anything else crazy that comes up in Lost. But seeing him in this episode caused my mind to hit upon a truth so simple and so powerful that I was brought to tears at the thought. This tiny picture of a television character made me realize the significance of God's presence in our lives. I mean, we are told that God is always there, but getting a visual of a caring, powerful, Father-like figure ever at our sides was the most beautiful thing I had ever thought upon. The beauty lies in the fact that this visual is completely true: He has been actively in my life from the moment of my conception. He has been there to celebrate when I win, been there to cry with me when my heart feels broken. Been there to lavish me in love over and over again, even when I don't deserve that type of unfailing adoration from an almighty Creator. Even when I am busy and not feeling very Christian-like, He is still there, ready to touch my heart in ways that will boggle my mind. And He will be there until I close my eyes in death, guiding my closer to Him until the ending of this life where I will begin the rest of my life, worshipping before His throne in the place He has prepared for me.

Perhaps this is just rambling, perhaps not. The summary is this: God is real, He is present, He is love.

Can't wait to see You face to face, Father.